Brett Kavanaugh To Fuck Self Live On TV This Monday!
Monday afternoon, Senator John Cornyn, the white haired dildo-wit from Texas who thinks he's like super-smart, said this to a reporter:
Oh, John Cornyn, you are a precious mesquite BBQ-flavored Texas idiot! Because you know what is really bad behavior?
Know what we shouldn't reward people who do that with?
Anthony Kennedy's seat on the Supreme Court.
Anyway, John Cornyn said that Monday about five seconds before it was announced that both Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford will be testifying in public before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Monday. Yes, that's right, you are looking forward to MONDAY for the first time in years! We guess poor Senator Cornyn was kept out of the loop on that one, or maybe he's just dumb. It wasn't exactly what the Democrats wanted, as what the Dems would really like is for the FBI to do an actual investigation into this. But for now, we have a redux of the Anita Hill hearings, but the subject will be grosser and more violent and more predatory behavior, and it's happening in the #MeToo era. We doubt it will go exactly the same way it did in 1991. (Orrin Hatch will act the same way he did in the Hill hearings, because he's an asshole whose old brain is pretty "mixed up" about things like this.)
But oh, what questions we imagine the senators will have, at least the Democratic ones! They probably already know this, but a very good question would be, "Hey, Dr. Ford has taken a lie detector test. Will you take one, Judge Rape Van, or are you too much of a liar for that?"
Another good question everybody should ask Kavanaugh, who probably thinks he is a very dignified man, comes from the yearbook entry for his good old pal Mark Judge, who allegedly was in the room and also blackout drunk the night Kavanaugh held young Christine Blasey down and tried to rape her.
The question is, "Bart, have you boofed yet?" and we think every senator should ask it at least seven times during his questioning. According to Urban Dictionary, "boofing" is that thing where people stick drugs up their buttholes so they will supposedly get into their bloodsteams faster, and we think it's important for the American people to know if Bart has boofed yet before we even think about considering him for the Supreme Court.
Oh yeah, and we want to know why he's such fucking piece of shit that he's still lying about what he did to Christine Blasey Ford to this day. We understand that he might have been blackout drunk and therefore doesn't remember it, but as we learned from his confirmation hearings, he's really fucking good at saying "I don't recall."
In case you were wondering, that committee vote they were supposed to have on Thursday has been postponed. Will it ever happen, or will Monday be such an embarrassment for Kavanaugh that he withdraws his nomination? Or will we even get to Monday? Are more accusers going to come forward? Because that wouldn't surprise us.
Oh and dang y'all, but President Yeti Pubes has really been on his best behavior about this, and how long can we really expect that to last?
Oh, and will Bart O'Kavanaugh's old pal Mark Judge be there, considering how he was allegedly in the room? We feel like he should be there.
"Hundreds" of Dr. Ford's friends, acquaintances and colleagues have been coming out of the woodwork to attest to her character, signing on to letters of support, and giving interviews to the media. Meanwhile, you will be shocked that the Washington Post is reporting that at least one of the women who signed the "Brett Kavanaugh never raped me even a little bit" letter confirms that she and other women who affixed their names had no idea just what kind of letter they were signing:
[Maura] Lindsay said she received a text from a friend Thursday asking if she would sign a letter attesting to Kavanaugh's character. She and others said they did not know an allegation of sexual misconduct was about to break in the media.
Oh no, you have just died of shock. RIP YOU!
Join Wonkette on Monday as we liveblog the piss out of these hearings. As we said, we have a reason to look forward to a Monday in Trump's America, for once!
If it happens. It might not happen.
Brett Kavanaugh might be a distant memory with an inexplicably large forehead and helmet hair by that point.
Oh well, either way.
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