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Bristol Palin Absolutely Not Sexing Anyone, Says Bristol Palin

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Bristol Palin is setting the record straight about'putting a ring on it' vs 'trial marriage' (getting dick). Despite her past struggles of tagging hockey players, having a child out of wedlock and pretending to be a Christian, Bristol is super totally not "doing it" with the hot dude your Wonkette said Bristol was totally doing it with.


Bristol is a good Christian, but now she wants to show how bad it is for everyone else but her to get it without being married first. Bristol, through her years of experience, has found the only way to have sex and be ok with it is to put a shiny piece of metal on her finger and getting the 'do it' from Jesus.

"In fact, you may have even recently heard rumors I’m living with my boyfriend. As that gossip spread a couple of weeks ago, people all over America were applauding me for – finally! – coming to my senses and abandoning my no-sex-until-marriage policy. Others are saying that me shacking up with my boyfriend is the height of hypocrisy.

Here’s the thing. It’s not true. As I mentioned before, I recently bought a home across the lake from my parents’ house. While it’s under renovation, I’m actually living in an apartment on their property. Rest assured — there’s no way on earth my mom and dad would allow a guy to spend the night here with me."

There is something we are trying to remember, about Levi Johnston maybe? Oh well.

The Palins have always been very strict parents and having a man spend the night at Bristol’s place is simply out of the question. Those principles have been passed down to Bristol and now that Beyonce, Jesus and the New York Times have weighed in, she now has all the resources needed to form the ‘New York Jews for Jesus Singing Brigade For Putting A Ring On It.’

"But even if I weren’t temporarily living on their property, I wouldn’t move in with someone. Why? Well, new evidence reported in the New York Times suggests what the Bible has already told us: living together before marriage does not lead to happiness.

These so-called “trial marriages” hurt men, women, and children. So, all of you girls who’ve said yes to sex in the wrong context know this: you don’t have to say yes to living with someone in the wrong context too. I guess it’s unanimous. Because now we have the Bible, the New York Times, and even Beyonce suggesting the best way to secure relationship success is to… “put a ring on it.”

Like a cock ring maybe. Those can be very helpful, we are told. Wonkette regrets its previous error. [Bristol'sBlog]

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Guys!

Last

month

was

crazy!

First, NASA sent its last message to the Mars Opportunity rover! THEN scientists said that all the insects are dying but not the human-looking ones in the GOP. As if THAT wasn't enough, some brave pendejos with grandes cojones are going to try and get seafloor creatures from under a giant ice shelf in the ANTARCTIC!

So, yeah, all three of those stories happened last month. Let's cover each in a science lightning round.

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is terrible at her job. Her objectives and overall mission are evil, but if it's any consolation she can't effectively implement them. After buying her Cabinet position at Sotheby's, DeVos has spent the past two years trying to roll back Obama-era policies designed to protect and actually educate students. Unfortunately for her evil schemes, federal courts keep smacking down her slimy efforts. It's getting embarrassing.

DeVos recently had to cancel $150 million in student loan debt after courts said her attempts to stop the "borrow defense" regulations from taking effect were in fact illegal. Last week, she was forced to instruct colleges to follow the Obama rule barring mandatory arbitration agreements. She got kicked in the teeth earlier this month when a federal judge ruled she'd acted illegally ... again. This time, DeVos tried to delay an Obama-era guideline that required states to address racial disparities in their special education programs. Judge Tanya S. Chutkan called the delay "arbitrary" and "capricious."

The rule, drafted under the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act, would require states to identify districts with "significant disproportionality" in the number of minority students channeled into special education services, segregated in restrictive classroom settings or disciplined.

OK, so what was the "education" secretary's issue with this rule? We want to imagine there's some rationale we're not seeing and DeVos is more than just some yacht-collecting monster.

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