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Bristol Palin Thinks Bristol Palin Is A Better Mother Than Wendy Davis And Would Like To Tell You All About It

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Bristol Palin's ghostwriter has some advice for Wendy Davis, and that advice is to stop being a whore who abandons her children for her job and education and be more like Bristol Palin. It is titled, "Dear Wendy Davis, You Can Have a Job and Kids," and if you'll excuse us it's time to eat our morning gun.


Step right up and let us examine the excellent parenting advice of "don't be a whore," "don't be a kid abandoner" and "children and a job can coexist" from Bristol Palin (known for underage drinkin', underage-baby-poopin', and dancing the hand jive in a gorilla costume) to Wendy Davis (known for being a lying liar who lies because she was only a single mom living in a trailer for a while before waitressing through college, marrying, going on to Harvard Law, and becoming a politician nationally known for standing up for women's reproductive rights).

Take it away, Bristol!

Turns out, she lied about much of her “pulling herself up by her own bootstraps” story. Actually, she found a man to marry her, pay her way through college, and then through Harvard Law School. The day after he paid the last bill, she left him. By the way, she left her kids too. She said, “it’s not a good time for me right now” to be a parent.

Is everyone paying attention? This woman is the hero of the Left? A woman whose ambition and ego were so big she couldn’t have both a career and kids at the same time.

Let's start from the starting place. "She found a man to marry her" is exactly what the Right says will keep all the women out of poverty and so let's spend hundreds of millions of dollars on ad campaigns telling women to get married, because marriage is magic. But it is weird how when one actually does, she is a prostitute! Huh! And the day after "he" paid the last bill, she left him. Maybe she did! That's what he says, and we are the chair of the Jeff Davis for Ex-Husband of the Year Exploratory Committe! (Wendy Davis's demurral that it was "community property" sounds a little defensive, and ungrateful even maybe, until you remember that by then she'd been working as a lawyer for rather a long time (their kids were 23 and 17 when they divorced), and so was probably helping out with the law school debts too. Also, Bristol, your bitch is showing.

Gosh, children are sooo inconvenient, huh? I’m glad my mother didn’t put motherhood on the shelf when she was elected to City Council, then became our mayor, then Governor. Oh sorry – I mentioned my mother… Have you liberals gone into a tail spin of hate already? Did I lose you?

You know what your mother had, just like Wendy Davis did? A husband who took primary responsibility for the childraising during the times she needed to focus on her career. And you know what that is, Bristol? That's great.

I know you would rather think about Wendy Davis, so let’s get back to her. She’s more your type of woman. She left her kid, husband, made it into a false “made-for-tv-movie-type-tale” and then demanded that Texans have the right to kill babies. That’s the woman you libs can really get behind!

Let's just remind everyone here: the kids Wendy Davis "left" were in high school and college, which is about the time any self-respecting woman with means will GET THE FUCK OUT, especially if she had her children really young and missed a bunch of her youth and the important foundational career years. We would have gotten the fuck out when our son hit high school, but we didn't have an awesome ex-husband to be all like "cool yeah," so instead we just started ignoring our son completely while playing Sudoku 12 hours a day except for that year we were getting our Master's. (Sort of like how Bristol's mom reportedly holed up in her room for a few years with just bags of Taco Bell for company. And we totally get it.) We would say this is a maternal arc Bristol will doubtless experience for herself, but we've seen her reality show "Life's A Tripp," and the abandoning started early as fuck. Also, that part about "getting a master's."

Let me be clear. I think it’d be so nice to have a husband take care of me, and my son, so I could attend school. (Any school — let alone, Harvard!)

Yes, if only Bristol had a husband to help her, instead of only earning hundreds of thousands of dollars from her dumb reality shows, she would totally go to college and or Harvard. You know how Wendy Davis got around that problem? By waitressing four nights a week while taking classes and raising her child as a single mother, until she married. At which time she became a gold digger, obviously. Oh Bristol, you are delightful.

But the way Wendy Davis did it – by getting married and leaving him as soon as the ink dried on his last check – is downright pathetic.

Plus, it perfectly shows that – no matter what they say – feminism is a farce. If you truly believe in strong, independent women, you’d be a conservative.

For a member of the party that loves to talk about the importance of women staying home for the family unit (but, you know, as an equally respected "choice"), the GOP doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for a woman's "equal" contribution in the family. "His" last check? When by then she'd been working as a lawyer for years? All of this Davismania on the Right this week has really unbuttoned a part of their Id we'd prefer not to see.

But yes, Bristol has a point. If we truly believed in strong, independent women, we’d all go on Dancing With the Stars so our mother's cult of personality could vote for us. Then we'd get a deal for another reality show about being a single mom, and go to all the bars we want.

Heck, even if you can't trade off your mom's fame as a famous failed candidate, you could at least ask your parents for $20,000 to start a business, instead of feeding off the taxpayer. Yes, something must be done about these people who leech off others, these "takers," if you will.

Yes, if anyone knows about making it all on her own with no help from anyone else, it's Bristol Palin. Mazel tov.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

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