Bryan Fischer Has Magic Constitution That Says First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You may have read about theperformance-art "Satanists" who have offered to build a monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma Statehouse; under the law's clause claiming that the state doesn't favor "any particular religion or denomination," it looks like the law pretty much says the state would have to allow it, right? Not so fast, says the American Patriarchy Association's Bryan Fischer -- don't you know that when the Constitution talks about "religion," it only means real religion, which is Christianity, duh.

"When the Founding Fathers use the word "religion" in the first amendment, they were referring to Christianity... they were trying to establish public policy for the federal government with regard to Christianity."

He knows this for sure, because he has a "real good feel" for what they meant, based on the various drafts of the first amendment. After all, "establishment" of a church only refers to Christian churches. Not once did the Founders even consider freedom for Jews, Hindoos, or Mahometans. So you just take your dirty non-Christian churches and GTFO.

And so, through Pure Logic, Fischer explains:

"If by 'religion,' the founders, and the founders of the state of Oklahoma, meant Christianity, then you can ban a monument to Satan because that's not Christianity ... You can say 'no, we're not going to let you do it. Our Constitution protects the free exercise of the Christian religion; yours is not a Christian expression, we're not going to have that monument.'

Really, that's all there is to it. Never mind what the Supreme Court has actually ruled about the First Amendment, because they have perverted the Constitution beyond anything recognizable. Why, if you were to read the Constitution as applying to all religions, and not just true religions, of which there's only one, there's no telling what madness might result:

If we don't understand the word 'religion' to mean Christianity as the founders intended it, then we have no way to stop Islam, we have no way to stop Satanism, we have no way to stop any other sort of sinister religious practice that might creep onto the fruited plains":

Congratulations, Bryan Fischer! You've come perilously close to figuring out what the Constitution of the United States means!

Of course, he's only gotten just thiiiiiis close to reality, and then given up on the effort because he doesn't believe in the America the rest of us live in. But even though he's not quite there, we're going to remain hopeful, because after all, this is the holiday season, a time of rebirth and renewal.

Happy Saturnalia, Bryan Fischer! Join the revels and have some wine, and remember -- Sol Invictus is right around the corner!


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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