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Hey, was there a Trump rally last night? We don't know, we forget.

Just kidding, SPOILING ALERT OF SPOILING, he did a rally last night and it was really dumb. He said something about how the Democrats want to get socialism in your Medicare (because he really is a parody of himself) and that all the coal miners backstage couldn't stop crying when they saw him, but they were happy tears, not "kill me now" tears.

Oh, and this:

Oh Donald. If Crooked Hillary was president, she wouldn't be doing Hitler rallies every other night in order to soothe her wounded ego. She would be at work. Novel concept, TRY IT!

Anyway, all his words were lies, as usual.

But fuck all that, let's talk about the bugfuck crazy Bloomberg interview Trump did before he waddled up onto the plane to go ramble at the yokels. Here are the highlights:


Attorney General Hillbilly McMethSnort, Your Job Is Safe! FOR NOW.

Yeah, we've had a hundred thousand Jeff Sessions Death Watch posts lately, and also a post about how Donald Trump hates literally everything about Sessions, including his pig-wrasslin' southern accent, but according to Trump, Sessions can stay until after the midterms. BUT HE STILL HATES HIM.

"I just would love to have him do a great job," Trump said Thursday in an Oval Office interview with Bloomberg News. Asked if he'd keep Sessions beyond November, he declined to comment. "I'd love to have him look at the other side," he said, reiterating calls for Sessions's Justice Department to investigate Democrat Hillary Clinton and the origins of the Russia probe.

"I do question what is Jeff doing," Trump said.

Fuck off, President Dumpster Brain.

Trump added that the Robert Mueller investigation is "illegal," because here's why:

"I view it differently. I view it as an illegal investigation" because "great scholars" have said that "there never should have been a special counsel," the president said.

For the last time, ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT A FUCKING GREAT LEGAL MIND OR A "GREAT SCHOLAR." He is a barely sentient nudist who goes on TV and licks Donald Trump's ass. That's it.

STOP. BOOKING. HIM.

John McCain's Funeral Is Today, So Let's Be A Dick To Dead John McCain Some More!

Trump says he handled all that shit about raising the flag and lowering the flag after John McCain's death JUST FINE, but he, a Republican, couldn't bring himself to say that John McCain, a Republican, would have been a better president than Barry Bamz-a-Lot Obama, the last legitimate president of the United States, who teased him at the White House Correspondents Dinner and made him cry so much, and whose presidency Trump is childishly trying to erase with his every action:

Asked if McCain would have been a better president, Trump declined to say, even as his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, stared at him.

"I don't want to comment on it," he said. "I have a very strong opinion, all right."

Sanders, he joked, was "having a nervous breakdown" over his response. "Maybe I'll give you that answer some day later."

Don't give a fuck, dude.

Trump Thinks You Can't Impeach Presidents Who Are Doing A 'Great Job.' So Impeach Away, Motherfuckers!

He said this verbatim in his fuckbonkers "Fox & Friends" interview last week, so just letting the record show that Grandpa has a new phrase he gets caught in loops repeating over and over again, like the senile hamster dick he is.

Trump So Good At Predicting Elections It's Like He's Steve Kornacki Or Something (Or The Opposite Of That)

Five bucks says this never happened:

"So I'm watching television and I see this young woman [Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez] on television and I say, 'who's that?'" Trump said Thursday in an interview with Bloomberg News in the Oval Office. "Oh, she's campaigning against Joe. You know who Joe is, right? Queens. Crowley. So, I say, ah, let me just watch her for a second. Wonderful thing, TiVo. So you go back. Hah. Tell him he's going to lose."

Haha, OK, you bet.

While we absolutely believe Trump might have been sitting in his underpants during one of his Executive Time sessions, saw a very pretty lady on television, and predicted an Ocasio-Cortez win based on her hotness, the fact is the media wasn't paying any attention to Ocasio-Cortez before she beat Joe Crowley, so she really wasn't on the TV much, and certainly not on Fox News. Also, we just think Trump is lying, like he always does.

Donald Trump Knows How The Googles Work, And It Is Very Unfair To Conservatives, Very Unfair, RIGGED!

At last night's rally, Trump said, baselessly, that Google "rigs" search results, despite how Trump is too tech-stupid to even compose an email. He also bitched about The Googles to Bloomberg:

"I tell you there are some moments where we say, 'Wow that really is bad, what they're doing.'"

Talking about ourselves in the third person and using the royal "we"?

Can we blow past impeachment and just put this motherfucker in a home?

More Meandering Brain Giblets From The President Whose Mom Cooked The Turkey In Her Lady Business, Allegedly

Know that guy Allen Weisselberg, the CFO of the Trump Organization who's been granted immunity in exchange for spilling all the sexxx jizz about the Trump Organization's illegal badness in the Michael Cohen case? Trump says that's cool with him. (It's not cool with him.)

If you are interested, Trump talked out his ass on other subjects about which he knows nothing. He said the World Trade Organization is BAD and needs to SHAPE UP. He said more dumb shit about tariffs. He's still declaring victory with Kim Jong-Un, despite how he own goaled himself on that months ago and hasn't stopped. Also, strangely, he thinks Iran's regime is going to collapse under the weight of his tweeting or something, and oh boy, hasn't everything changed, because when Obama was president blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Fuck this shit, it's Friday. Read it if you want.

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[Bloomberg]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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