But please, tell us again how you're Rosa goddamned Parks

The federal jury in the retrial of four accused "gunmen" who participated in the Great Bundy Ranch Freedompalooza and Armed Standoff didn't deliver a single guilty verdict yesterday, which apparently means it's OK to point a gun from a highway overpass at federal officers if you really, really want to. We still wouldn't recommend it, though.

Two of the men, Ricky Lovelien from Montana and Steven Stewart from Idaho, were acquitted on all ten charges against them; two others, Scott Drexler and Eric Parker, both from Idaho, were acquitted on most of the charges, but the jury deadlocked on some of the others. Parker is the gent who became famous for the photo of him aiming through highway barricades at Bureau of Land Management and other federal law enforcement officers. Lovelien and Stewart were released Tuesday; Parker and Drexler were ordered to a halfway house pending a detention hearing set for Wednesday. Federal prosecutors have not decided whether to seek a retrial on the undecided charges against Parker and Drexler; they may be released temporarily until that decision is made.

Expect video to be released soon of the men's joyous reunions with their precious, precious guns.

If re-retried, Parker could still face significant prison time on the remaining charges of assault and threatening a federal officer along with related charges for weapons; the jury was also hung on assault and weapons charges against Drexler.

When the jury in the men's first trial deadlocked on most charges in April, militia expert and Forbes columnist JJ MacNab was as astonished as we were then, and this second time around:

In the earlier trial, two other Bunditarians were found guilty on charges of obstruction of justice and interstate travel to aid extortion.

The four men whose trial ended Tuesday had been accused of coordinating an attack on federal officers at the behest of welfare rancher Cliven Bundy after Bundy and his loony militia followers decided in 2014 the federal government has no right to charge grazing fees for old fat ranchers who hate the government but love whatever weirdass things they believe are in the Constitution. The Bundys were charged in Nevada after federal agents ended the 2016 Bundy-led takeover of an Oregon wildlife refuge; a federal jury in Oregon acquitted Bundy sons Ammon and Ryan, as well as other members of their dildo militia, of all charges in that takeover.

Cliven, Ryan and Ammon will be the next to face trial over the 2014 standoff. They face charges related to organizing the standoff, including

conspiracy to commit an offense against the United States, conspiracy to impede or injure a federal officer, weapon use and possession, assault on a federal officer, threatening a federal law enforcement officer, obstruction, [and] extortion to interfere with commerce[.]

Two other Bundy spawn, Mel and Dave, will be tried separately on related but lesser charges.

At the rate the trials have been going, we expect to report some time in November that the Bundy family has not only been acquitted but also appointed by Donald Trump to top positions in the Department of the Interior.

Yr Wonkete is supported by reader donations. Please send money and dildos by clicking "Donate" below.

[Las Vegas Review-Journal / NYT / CBS News / Courthouse News]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

Donate with CC

Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

Donate with CC

While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

  • Saturday, Aug 11th ....... Seattle, WA
    Discovery Park, 4-7pm
  • Sunday, Aug 12th ....... Bellingham, WA
    Sunnyland Park, 2-5pm
  • Sunday, Aug 19th ....... Spokane, WA
    Audubon Park, 2-5pm

Read More

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc