Butthurt Missouri County To Spend Year Mourning Gay-Murder Of Marriage

• There are sad losers and really sad losers, and then there's this un-freaking-believably pathetic three-person commission in Dent County, Missouri, who unanimously votedto spend the next 12 months crying like Nancy Kerrigan with a skinned knee because BOO HOO GAY MARRIAGE. To demonstrate their "mourning" for the now-dead sanctity of one closeted man unenthusiastically humping his sexually unsatisfied wife every other Wednesday night with the lights off, the flag in front of the county courthouse will be lowered, until June 2016, to "below half-staff." OOOOH, SICK BURN! Would be a sicker burn if they decided to turn the flag upside down while they're at it:

  "It ain't what our Bible tells us. It's against God's plan," said county commissioner Gary Larson. The Supreme Court decision is "just one step backward," he said.

  Presiding Commissioner Darrell Skiles brought the matter forward on Monday and Larson and commissioner Dennis Purcell both agreed to the year of mourning. Skiles, in an unusual action, filed a letter into the public record officially protesting “the U.S. high court’s stamp of approval of what God speaks of as an abomination."

  Skiles detailed his opposition to same-sex marriage in the letter and said that lowering the flags once a month will remind people "of this despicable Supreme Court travesty.”

  So please note, The Gays, that your top travel destination of Bumfucksville, Missouri, is too sad to take your tourist dollars because MOURNING. Probably best to steer clear anyway, just in case God isn't dead after all and decides to teach those bigots a lesson by sending a hetero-hurricane or maybe some locusts.

• The president released all the most dangerous criminals in America from prison on Monday. Or something like that:  

  President Barack Obama announced Monday that he has granted dozens of federal inmates their freedom, as part of an effort to counteract draconian penalties handed out to nonviolent drug offenders in the past.

  The 46 inmates who had their sentences reduced represent a small fraction of the tens of thousands of inmates who have applied. [...]

  "I am granting your application because you have demonstrated the potential to turn your life around," Obama wrote in a letter to the inmates. "Now it is up to you to make the most of this opportunity. It will not be easy, and you will confront many who doubt people with criminal records can change. Perhaps even you are unsure of how you will adjust to your new circumstances.”

• Scott Walker (R-Yet Another Fucking Presidential Candidate) thinks he's on a mission from God:  

  My relationship with God drives every major decision in my life. Each day I pray and then take time to read from the Bible and from a devotional named Jesus Calling.

  As you can imagine, the months leading up to my announcement that I would run for President of the United States were filled with a lot of prayer and soul searching.

  Here’s why: I needed to be certain that running was God’s calling -- not just man’s calling. I am certain: This is God’s plan for me and I am humbled to be a candidate for President of the United States.

• And here's God's response:  

  

• According to our pals at Happy Nice Time People, the tea party is desperately needed in Chicago to protest this bullshit tax:  

  Chicago is extending its amusement tax to include a monthly “9% cloud tax” on digital entertainment streaming services,” which will apply to rentals and subscriptions ranging from “shows, movies, videos, music, and games to e-commerce transaction to online gambling,” which Netflix falls under. The city claims the tax has been passed to generate badly needed income and is no different than traditional sales/entertainment taxes. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, the tax is expected to generate almost $12 million dollars for the city. Phew, that’s an amount that would have made King George III very happy.

•  Ready to colonize Pluto? 

  NASA's New Horizons spacecraft will fly by Pluto to capture never-before-seen images at close range. The unmanned vehicle took nearly a decade to travel 3 billion miles from Earth to the dwarf planet.

  Scientists are, pardon the pun — over the moon! — about what might be revealed in Tuesday's encounter. Pluto is the last of the classical nine planets to get an ambassador from Earth. It's icy, weird and full of unknowns.