BuzzFeed's Gonna Find The Trump Pee Tape If It's The Last Damn Thing They Do

raaaaaaaain, feel it on my fingertips, see it on the windowpane, that pee's flowin' down like ...

Many thousands of years ago, a website about 15 Fainting Goats Who Literally Can't Even Right Now made the hard news decision to publish THE STEELE DOSSIER, a collection of salacious and unverified raw intelligence reports from Chris Steele, one of the world's most respected British spies, about a Trump-Russia conspiracy to steal America and give it to Donald Trump and Russia. None of it has been debunked, some has been corroborated, and Republicans HATE that. Upon publication, Buzzfeed made clear the allegations in the dossier weren't confirmed (including the big PEE TAPE claim in the first memo), but that the intelligence reports themselves were newsworthy, need-to-know information. People can disagree with that decision -- Chris Steele wasn't pleased -- but the dossier added to the ever-growing wealth of reporting on what indeed looks to be the greatest international scandal in modern history, even if the American participants in the conspiracy are complete fucking dimwits.

Buzzfeed has been sued hard by Russian spy oligarchs, who contend Buzzfeed LIBELED them by publishing their names in a dossier that called them Russian spy oligarchs. Specifically it is being sued by Aleksej Gubarev, a Russian whose company's servers were allegedly used in the hacks of the DNC, allegedly.

Gubarev's lawyer Evan Fray-Witzer says Buzzfeed can hire "Nancy Drew, Encyclopedia Brown, or Sherlock Holmes" to look into the dossier's claims about his client, and they won't find anything. Typical dumb lawyer, YOU CAN'T HIRE STORYBOOK CHARACTERS. (That's right, we just #lawyered the lawyer BACK.)

Instead, according to Foreign Policy, Buzzfeed hired FTI Consulting, one of them private intelligence-type firms where smarty pants former FBI people go to make real money, and its team, led by Anthony Ferrante, who "coordinated the US government’s response to Russian election interference" at the FBI, has traipsed the globe for the past six months to get THE DODGY DOSSIER verified:

At FTI, Ferrante launched what’s now been a months-long stealth effort chasing down documents and conducting interviews on the ground in various countries around the world. His team directed BuzzFeed lawyers to subpoena specific data and testimony from dozens of agencies or companies across the country and assembled a cyber ops war room to analyze that data, according to sources familiar with the work. [...]

BuzzFeed’s outside attorneys initially hired FTI to verify aspects of the dossier specifically pertaining to the Gubarev lawsuit, but its scope has since expanded. “If it’s fact, it’s not libel, that’s the idea,” one source told FP.

In other words, MIGHT AS WELL FIND THE PEE TAPE WHILE WE'RE AT IT! (It's been in a Blockbuster Video in Minsk the whole time!)

So this is all fun! And wouldn't it be nice for the discovery in this lawsuit to go ahead and help corroborate DODGY DOSSIER stuff for special counsel Robert Mueller, who is very quietly investigating all this right now too? According to Foreign Policy, the names of expert testifying witnesses in the lawsuit, which was filed in Florida, will be released tomorrow (Thursday).

Presumably this private spy work will also help in the defamation lawsuit filed against Buzzfeed by Trump idiot lawyer Michael Cohen over his starring role in THE DOSSIER. Cohen was most recently seen in these pages paying a porn star $130,000 of his own money for no reason at all, and definitely not to buy her silence about all the times she fucked Donald Trump while his wife was in labor, ALLEGEDLY.

In other Buzzfeed lawsuit news, the company has decided to sue the DNC, to force it to come up off its shit with evidence the Russians hacked its servers, specifically information that would knock Mr. Gubarev's libel claim on its ass. (Guess those hired spies found something!) The DNC is like "don't wanna," insisting that to release things like hacker signatures would also "expose details of the D.N.C.’s information systems, possibly making them more vulnerable to another hack," according to Vanity Fair.

Maybe so, but we really think it's time for the DNC to stop acting like a common Hillary Clinton who likes to hide things for no reason in particular, unless the DNC wants to keep letting Sean Hannity make up Seth Rich conspiracies about WHO IS THE REAL HACKER.

Buzzfeed, loving editorial tip from yr Wonkette: When you get the pee tape, you should turn it into a listicle with .GIFs of chihuahuas making SURPRISE FACE at various screenshots of Donald Trump getting peed on by Russia's finest pee hookers.

LOL, as if we even needed to say that, Buzzfeed pre-wrote that draft months ago.

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[Foreign Policy]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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