By The Time You Finish This Post, Ben Carson Will Be Done Blinking His Eyes
He came to dance.
Hoo boy, that Republican debate last night was something, right? Of course we're right, we are yr Wonkette, and the last time we were wrong was the Eisenhower administration probably. ("Interstate highways? PFFFFFT," said Wonket, clearly not as evolved in our thinking as we are now.) Of course, to read the internet today, you might think it was all about WAR!WAR!WAR! and also Lindsey Graham singing "Glitter And Be Gay" to a bronze bust of George W. Bush's codpiece. And you'd be right!
But there was another important thing, as noted by your august Wonketteers in the sekrit chatcave, and it was that holy bejesus and pals, Ben Carson takes longer to blink than ANY HUMAN IN THE GALAXY. Is this evidence of his brokedown brain? Did this pose a danger to his brain surgery patients, the way their doctor's eyes were closed the whole time?
We present you a gallery of Ben Carson, taking his little naps during the debate. We are sure you'll agree it's right nice.
There were so many questions, none of them about rescuing the grain from the Egyptian pyramids ... the doctor thought this was a foreign policy debate?
"It's THIS BIG AROUND," he said to God, in his dream.
God thought that was funny, and so did Dr. Carson.
Ever sing yourself a little song in your sleep? Ben Carson does. He sings "Kung Fu Fighting," because it reminds him of his stabby days.
UH OH, it's that recurring dream, about having to say NO THANKS, JOSE, to the West Point recruiter offering him eleventy-zillion dollars if he will just PLEASE be a cadet.
Uh oh! Startled out of deep REM sleep by a big rocket poot. Did the moderator call on him? Quick, name a bunch of the countries the team tasked with repairing your brain told you about. Wonder aloud why Israel's system of government is so goshdarn confusing.
Whew! Made it. Go back to sleep. "So, as I was saying, God, it's THIS BIG."
Peaceful again. Ain't nobody interrupting nappy time now!
Know that thing when your dog mutter-barks in her sleep, and her haunches are moving to and fro, because she's dreaming about chasing squirrels? Ben Carson is chasing squirrels in this picture, except for how he is also dancing with them, because A) it is a weird dream and B) Carson came to this debate to dance.
Pooted awake again! And right when he was telling the squirrels he saw a nut THIIIIIIIIIIIS BIG.
Anyway, thank you, God bless America, and goodnight, sweet Ben Carson.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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