Caitlyn Jenner Making Wingnuts Feel Shame Tingles In Their No-No Parts

Monday, Caitlyn Jenner revealed her transition to the world on the cover of Vanity Fair. Known up to that point as Bruce Jenner, male Olympian and Kardashian-adjacent person, she told her story to journalist Buzz Bissinger, while Annie Leibovitz supplied the pictures. Most people said things like "Wow, she looks beautiful!" and "Good for her!" and, in the case of badass trans actress Laverne Cox, "Yasss Gawd! Werk Caitlyn! Get it!" (Cox also said many other important things, read it.)

But if you are a wingnut, the pictures made you very uncomfortable, and also gave you the shame tingles in your no-no parts region, as you tried to process the fact that Jenner, as a trans woman, is transitioning, into being a woman. Fox News (who else?) led the pack, and host Neil Cavuto DID NOT accidentally get a boner, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW, those are just the folds of his pants!

Cavuto introduced the news with an exaggerated shriek, asking reporter Dagen McDowell, "What the hell is goin' on?!?!" McDowell took the ball and acted like A Idiot, repeatedly referring to Jenner as "he," when basic journalism rules and the gay mafia CLEARLY state that you call trans people the pronoun they prefer. McDowell is pretty sure this is all a publicity stunt to steal thunder from Kim Kardashian's pregnancy announcement, because that's how trans people do: They live for 65 years in secret, and finally decide to transition when they get an opportunity to best Kim Kardashian in the news cycle.

McDowell, who sounds like a redneck Laura Ingraham, isn't sure about Jenner's outfit, calling it "very Playboy bunny-esque," to which Neil Cavuto replies, defensively, "I wouldn't know!" You can almost see the pee-pee dance he's doing, in his brain, when McDowell says, "She looks hot." Cavuto is all "yes" and "look at the time!" and "I cannot control these strange tinglies I'm feeling, inside my pants." (Last quote not exact.)

THEN Cavuto makes a funny! Or what passes for a "funny" in Fox News Land. He introduces his next host, Charles Payne, as Charlene Payne. GET IT? Payne thinks this is hilarious and laughs like this:

Cavuto ends the segment with the words, "Rome, final days, but that's fine!" because Neil Cavuto knows what caused the fall of Rome, and it is transgender people.

Other wingnuts have been having their own little poopy-pants, shame-boner meltdowns over Caitlyn Jenner's transition. Whatcha doin', American Family Association hate goon Bryan Fischer? Taking a bold stand for Real American Christian Pronoun Usage, is what he's doing:

"My heart, frankly, goes out to Bruce Jenner. I'm not going to call him Caitlyn Jenner because that's not his name and I'm not going to refer to him as a she. He's a he. He's a he in every single solitary cell of his body, he will be until the day that God calls him home. So he's a male in every single cell of his body, so he's always going to be a he in the terminology that I'm going to use. I'm never going to refer to him as a she because that would be a lie."

We're sure Caitlyn Jenner will be very upset to hear that Bryan Fischer, who thinks gays did the Holocaust, and that Michelle Obama is a bad First Lady because she REFUSES to address our nation's Husky Lesbian problem, will NOT address Jenner by her name and according to her gender identity. Jenner would probably be surprised for Fischer to address her at all, as that would require her to fire her publicist immediately.

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Bryan Fischer is also very worried that "Bruce Jenner" is going to "go out and kill himself," because that is what transgender people do, and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that trans people are among those most discriminated against in American society, much of it perpetuated by people like -- ding ding ding! -- Bryan Fischer. He added:

"Those of us that are saying this is not a good thing, those of us that are saying this is bad for Bruce Jenner, bad for his future, we are showing far more compassion to him than the editors of Vanity Fair," Fischer said. "They are showing no compassion for him, no genuine care for him because they are celebrating his progress down a pathway that could lead him to kill himself. I would suggest to you that there is absolutely zero compassion, zero love in aiding and abetting someone's mental illness, a mental illness that could drive them to self-destruction."

Thanks, Bryan Fischer, for your always kind words.

Salon has a roundup of other lovely wingnut Twitter reactions, but they're all from never-nudes and perpetual virgins like Ben Shapiro, so fuck them, but you can read it if you want.

Follow Caitlyn Jenner on Twitter here, and while you're at it, follow Evan Hurst and yr Wonkette, because we said so.

[Vanity Fair / Right Wing Watch viaThink Progress / photo from Vanity Fair, by Annie Leibovitz]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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