California Republicans Don't Remember Tea Party Or Star Trek (Or California) So Good
Or just play around on the internet. Cleaning is futile.
We wouldn't usually reach back to late February to mock a dopey editorial by a local Republican party, but thanks to the magic of Fark, this very important blog post by the Sacramento County Republican Party has gone semi-viral, or at least caused fatigue, loss of appetite, and body aches. The thing is titled "Why Resistance is Futile," and yes, the author, Sac County GOP chair Betsy Mahan, analogizes her party to the Borg from Star Trek, that fun bunch of nigh-invulnerable hive-minded cyborgs who zip around the galaxy assimilating technology and turning entire civilizations into mindless drones. You know, the baddies. We don't think Mahan really thought that metaphor through.
It's all in the service of making fun of all those mindless Democrat people waving their mass-produced "Resist" signs, because, you see, there's nothing original or organic about opposition to Donald Trump:
We’ve all seen the preprinted “Resist” signs, courtesy of big donors to the Democrat Party. We know they have an orchestrated effort to call out Republican Members of Congress across the nation to appear in Town Halls so they can show up and RESIST. It makes them feel like they are accomplishing something to yell at elected officials and intimidate the real constituents who want to hear what their representatives have to say.
It's like the Tea Party NEVER HAPPENED. True, the self-named teabaggers didn't manage to get rolling as quickly or in the same massive numbers as the anti-Trump crowds, but we seem to remember a fair bit of shouting down legislators in 2009. Sure, there are differences -- the people at 2017's town halls think Obamacare is a good thing, not a socialist/Nazi plot to kill grandma. And so far, no Republican has had a comeback to equal Barney Frank's reply to the lady carrying an Obama-as-Hitler sign:
And really, some preprinted signs mean the whole thing is fake? We seem to remember mostly handmade signs -- though they tended to be spelled correctly. And there were the occasional Tea Party events like this one, sponsored by FreedomWorks:
Ah, but we nitpick. Let's get back to the terrific smart analysis!
But as the Borg said, “Resistance is futile.”
Why? Because the people know that we need change. And they are looking to the Republican Party to bring some sanity back to our government.
Yes, that's a California Republican explaining why the Republican Borg Collective will defeat the terrible liberals who can't think for themselves and only go to rallies to be "cool." Those crazy kids. Sadly, Mahan drops her "In Cali, Republicans assimilate YOU" theme right after that, which strikes us as what a lazy hu-mon might do, and lacks the mindless efficiency of the Borg.
But her piece does have a really cool illustration, with Jean Luc Picard (captain of the Millennials' Falcon) transformed into Loquatious of Borg, plus clipart about voting, and it makes a point of some kind, maybe:
Still, she makes some very astute observations about why Californians are allegedly flocking to the Republican party:
Let’s look at California. [oh, yes, let's!! -- Dok]
While our Governor refuses to give up on a mismanaged, over-budget, unwanted high speed train to establish his legacy, Californians live in the highest poverty state in the nation. They’re not concerned about taking trips to the opposite end of the State – they just want to be able to feed their families and live in a neighborhood free of crime.
Now, look here -- you can't go claiming you're the Borg and then reject high-speed rail. The Borg are all about assimilating technology, and, like Republicans, only find poor people useful as a source of meat to serve the needs of the Machine. Get it straight. Mahan then lists the supposedly terrible goals of the California Democrat party; we won't hit every point, but we think she may be misrepresenting things just a tad:
More meaningless regulations burdening employers and driving businesses out of the State, and a higher minimum wage because those are the only jobs left in California, if you’re lucky to get one.
We suppose the tech industry might disagree, and oh good lord, a higher minimum wage really would be terrible for the people who just want to put food on their families, wouldn't it? If they were paid more, the poor might even be able to afford the fast train, and that would surely corrupt them. Maybe if we cut taxes on the rich, the poors would have an incentive to get rich.
Higher tuition for college students to pay the exorbitant salaries of a bloated UC Administration with pensions that would support multiple families in neighborhoods they could never afford.
We really have no idea what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it sounds like Mahan is calling for public pensions to be redistributed to poor families? Haha, we are kidding -- yes, eliminate money for higher ed, but then reallocate it for tax cuts.
[A] K-12 education system that has fewer and fewer graduates who can qualify to attend our state-run colleges because Democrats only care about who uses what bathroom, not if they are teaching our kids what they need to know to compete in the global economy.complain you're not teaching kids to Love America.
Welcoming illegal immigrants while providing false hope that California offers them a safe and prosperous future. In reality, they must live in the shadows of crime-ridden neighborhoods full of criminals that have been released early [...] So now our neighborhoods are overcrowded with murderers, drug lords and thieves who prey on the recent immigrants who fled countries to get away from poverty and thugs, and who must forge documents to get a job, if there are any. But Democrats to the rescue! They want to provide them with free healthcare, college, housing, as long as they’re illegal…. Is this compassionate? I think not.
OK, so that paragraph is just all lies, and we say the hell with it. Neighborhoods full of murderers, huh? From programs that release nonviolent offenders only? We can't even manage a good Star Trek joke about it. We do appreciate the feigned empathy for immigrants, though -- perhaps Mahan could arrange to get them some guns?Rules of Acquisition would probably find quite a few similarities, we bet. Also, wingnuts simply shouldn't try to engage with popular culture, since that always ends badly.
Live long and prosper, as long as you don't get sick. Then die quickly.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.