Trump Will Fire Robert Mueller, Replace Him With 'Himself'

Pappy's bugfuck crazy again! After doing his normal Sunday and Monday routine of lying on his ass and tweet-whining about his grievances, the president of the United States, who has the emotional maturity of a four-year-old who's a bit behind all the other kids in Mother's Day Out, decided to invite the Reuters reporters into the Oval Office, so he could whine at them in person.

As usual when Trump is allowed to speak to reporters freely, it went well.

Trump made the biggest news when talking about the Robert Mueller investigation (what else?) by stating for the record that he has been very good about keeping his stupid orange nose out of it (except for all the obstruction of justice), but that as KING OF AMERICA, he has every right to butt in wherever he wants. In fact, he could run the Mueller investigation, because it's totally normal for presidents to be their own judges and juries.

"I can go in, and I could do whatever — I could run it if I want. But I decided to stay out," he said. "I'm totally allowed to be involved if I wanted to be. So far, I haven't chosen to be involved. I'll stay out."

And if he gets mad enough that Mueller isn't investigating the things Trump hallucinates when he's on a Big Mac bender, MAYBE HE WILL.

It's clear that Trump and Rudy Giuliani are roommates in the same brain cavity right now, because like his TV lawyer he knows Mueller is going to "PERJURY TRAPP" him, by forcing him to lie:

"So if I say something and he (Comey) says something, and it's my word against his, and he's best friends with Mueller, so Mueller might say: 'Well, I believe Comey,' and even if I'm telling the truth, that makes me a liar. That's no good."

Yeah no. In the real world, Robert Mueller and James Comey are not "best friends." They are longtime colleagues who respect each other, but they don't play strip Jenga every Tuesday night or anything. (It's every third Wednesday, ALLEGEDLY.) Also, if Mueller determines that Comey is telling the truth and Trump is lying, it's because he has receipts far beyond Comey that show that Trump is lying.

So just no.

For some reason one of the Reuters journalists thought it would be a good idea to PUT THOUGHTS INTO THE PRESIDENT'S HEAD and ask him if, now that he's discovered that he can revoke security clearances and he clearly views that as his shiny new toy, he's thought about just pulling Robert Mueller's clearance. If Trump does that, WE DO VERY MUCH BLAME REUTERS.

"I haven't given it a lot of thought," he said.

But maybe he will now! THANKS, REUTERS.

When you think about Trump removing security clearances, it's best to imagine him on the floor in his underpants with a big Tonka truck going "VROOOOOOOOM! VROOOOOOOOOOOOM! BEEP BEEP!" Because like we said, he's just a toddler with a toy. Unfortunately the toddler also has the nuclear codes and his parents are dead.

Trump tweeted this morning, confirming that his only reason for removing John Brennan's security clearance was that Brennan wasn't nice to him:

So you hear that, Robert Mueller and also everybody else who makes Trump's ass itch? You better be NICE TO HIM, or he will punish you by taking your security clearance!

Finally, Trump said that "if" Russia meddled in the 2016 election -- yes, we've cycled back to "if" -- then the NO COLUSION MUELLER WITCH HUNT is just "playing into" the Russians' hands, by ... seeking to punish the Russians for fucking with our elections, and also catch the Americans who helped them. That definitely does sound like Russia's master plan right there!

Stellar analysis as always, President Guilty Dick.

Elsewhere in the interview, Trump said he's totally open to meeting with Kim Jong-un again (we guess because it was really fun getting rolled the first time) and said don't worry, he's not considering Erik Prince's plan to run the Afghanistan war out of the trunk of his car, accountable to nobody but the president. Why would you be worried about such a thing? It's not like Prince has a long history of conspiring with the Trump administration behind the scenes or anything, and also a long history of ... well, this.

But oh boy, that threat that Trump his own self could run the Robert Mueller investigation if he wanted to! We guess it's good the president is incapable of saying the quiet parts quiet, as that just makes Mueller's job even easier than it already was.

Can we lock this moron up yet?

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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