Ha Ha Cardi B, You Just Got BIDENED!

Cardi B, whose current hit song “WAP" helped reveal that Ben Shapiro has never pleasured a woman, sat down over the Zoom-mobile to chat with Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden. His youngest daughter, Ashley, is a fan and joined the call, which was adorable. Biden said Ashley used to call him “Joey B" when she was a kid so maybe he and Cardi B are related. C'mon, man, how can you not like that? We need this upgrade to sweet old coot, as we already have crazy old coot. That's not working.

Cardi B was late to meet the former vice president because she has a two-year-old and it's a miracle she can find her shoes. Children are a nightmare blessing. Biden was sympathetic and said that kids should always come first. Then he started to interview Cardi B. He went topsy turvy on the sister.

BIDEN: I do have some questions. First of all, I want to congratulate you: The cover of ELLE, that's pretty big-time. Second, thanks for your generosity in dealing with people suffering from COVID. There are so many people who needlessly have died—they didn't have to if we had taken the precautions we needed to. So, thank you. You have a generous heart.


Biden asked Cardi B what her main interest is in this election, and although she has a "whole list of things that [she] wants our next president to do for us," first and foremost, she wants Trump out. Girl, same.

CARDI B: His mouth gets us in trouble so much.

That's a campaign slogan.

CARDI B: I don't want to be lied to—we're dealing with a pandemic right now, and I just want answers. I want to know when this will be over. I want to go back to my job. But I don't want someone to lie to me and tell me that it's okay not to wear a mask, that everything is going to be okay. I want a president to tell me what the steps are for us to get better, to tell me, "This is why it is taking so long, this is why other countries are doing better than ours." Tell me the truth, the hard-core truth.

That's a campaign ad.

On specific policies, Cardi B said she wanted “free Medicare," “free college," and laws that are “fair to Black citizens." The GOP platform is the exact opposite of this. Biden's answer was encouraging.

BIDEN: There's no reason why we can't have all of that.

Wait, Uncle Joe's on the Medicare for All train? Cardi B closed the deal! He's not bullshitting because he dropped the Franklin Roosevelt line about how the "American people can take anything if you tell them the truth." (My favorite FDR quote for the Trump era is “repetition does not transform a lie into the truth.")

BIDEN: But right now, we're in a position where we have an opportunity to make so much progress. The American public has had the blinders taken off.

There's a theory that Biden was more “let's just get back to normal and not try anything crazy" during the primaries, but once COVID-19 blew up the world, he's more willing to consider “big structural change." FDR was trying to get us out of the Great Depression, then he had to help save the world from Hitler. Great men rise to the occasion. Men like Trump just lash out like mad dogs.

Cardi B said it was “sad" that it took a pandemic before people could see how terrible Trump is. It's “crazy that all of this had to happen" so people could “open their eyes to the past four years." And Biden gently reminds the 27-year-old that this didn't have to happen.

BIIDEN: In 2016, if 18- to 24-year-olds had voted in the same percentage as the rest of the population, there would have been 5.2 million more votes. We wouldn't have [Trump]; we would have had Hillary Clinton. The vote matters. That's why you keep talking to people about the need to vote. Your generation can own what happens in the next election. They can change things dramatically if they show up and vote. Tell me what your fans are most concerned about?

He does this well. He can soften a lecture with empathy. He later praised Cardi B's generation as "the smartest, the best educated, the least prejudiced, and the most engaged generation in history." Biden believes that children are our future and he's impressed that young people of all races are protesting injustice.

Cardi B mentioned the after-school programs she had growing up that went away, and Biden reminds us he was the guy who helped implement them.

BIDEN: I was able to get $20 billion [for] more boys and girls clubs. But what happened? Everything was getting better—this was when crime was going down—so [people said], "We don't have to pay for this anymore." Because people didn't want to pay the taxes for it. And that's why this [notion that] "government is bad" has been such a downer for things that really matter to you and me.

And then Biden closed the deal. He spoke about how he couldn't afford child care when he suddenly became a single father after his wife and daughter were killed. Although he was fortunate enough to have a family support system, he recognizes that others aren't so lucky. Kindness is the basis of his candidacy and it's what the nation needs most right now.

Read the full Elle interview here.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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