Good Monday morning! Late Saturday afternoon, the FBI released the heavily redacted warrants for FISA surveillance of Carter Page, the Trump campaign foreign policy adviser who is also literally the world's stupidest Russian intelligence asset. The release comes after Devin Nunes and his minions in Congress spent months libeling the intelligence community and creating conspiracy theories about how the FBI only started spying on Page because of a DODGY DOSSIER that was WRITTEN BY HILLARY. This is, of course, bullshit. Even according to the much hyped memo released by Devin Nunes, but not read by Devin Nunes, this was bullshit. The original FISA application and its subsequent renewals were released in response to Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests.

The FISA application is a 412-page document, but it's heavily redacted, so if you haven't read it, go ahead and get started on that. Most of it just confirms what we already knew.

We learned that in Devin Nunes's cow-fucking memo. As for the tweet from President Putin-Cheeks above, if you believe Trump has actually read these documents, that means you believe the president has the patience and reading comprehension skills to do such a thing, in which case you are a moron.

If you'll remember, one of the things Devin Nunes has been flogging his love-cow around in RAGE about the past few months is the assertion that the FBI didn't properly inform the FISA judge that some of the information about Page came from the Steele Dossier, which was paid for as part of an oppo research project. This, itself, is a red herring, because as we have written here ad nauseam, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO PAID FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING DOSSIER, YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS. All that matters is if it's true or not.

When it was pointed out that Nunes's own memo revealed the the FISA judge was told that information, Nunes and Trey Gowdy (who was also giving country squirrels RAGE-STROKING HANDJOBS about this on the Sunday shows this weekend) moved the goalposts to say it still wasn't fair because it was IN A FOOTNOTE! Can human beings even read those?

But of course, as with all things, Devin Nunes was lying about that, as these documents confirm (borrowing some screengrabs from NYT's Charlie Savage on Twitter, thank you, NYT's Charlie Savage!):

BUT BUT BUT! They just said "Candidate #1" and "Candidate #2"! It was indeed a Nunes talking point that the application wasn't specific enough because it didn't say the dossier funding came from the HIT-LERY CLINTON PIZZAGATE campaign, as if the FISA judge was too dense to know who the two main candidates in the 2016 presidential race were. As Savage notes, warrants like this hardly ever use proper names for Americans.

Charlie Savage goes through a lot of the other fun details in the FISA applications -- by which we mean things that prove that Donald Trump and Devin Nunes are full of lying fucking cow shit -- on Twitter and also in the New York Times. But again, it's mostly stuff we already knew, like for instance that all the FISA judges who approved the initial request and the renewals were appointed by Republicans. Also, each time FBI/DOJ came back to the FISA court, they added pages and pages of (REDACTED) information, which shows that their "wire tapps" on Carter Page were bearing fruit.

But the most important thing -- or at least what we see as the major fucking point of all this, the thing that suggests why Republicans might be so freaked out to discredit the investigation into Carter Page -- comes early in the document:

Look at ALL THAT BLACK REDACTED TEXT. "The FBI believes that the Russian Government's efforts are being coordinated with Page and perhaps other individuals associated wtih Candidate #1's campaign [REDACTED TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!]" That, dears, is evidence. It looks like they have a lot of evidence that Carter Page, a buffoon, an idiot, and also a known Russian intelligence asset, may just be more important to this conspiracy than we ever thought. Whoa if true, right?

Here's another:

If you want to read more analysis on this, check out David Kris at Lawfare, who spends some time talking about how unprecedented it is that we're seeing a FISA application like this, and the long-term damage that could come from that. But hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, we guess, and long-term damage to our intelligence community's ability to protect our national security is just collateral.

It would be really fun, of course, if this release actually changed the discourse, but as we've already seen, Trump and those who wish to protect him will just fucking lie about it, and their idiot followers will believe them.

But on the off chance there's a Trump supporter reading this who just wants to verify that the dude in the White House is telling the truth, here once again is a link to the Carter Page FISA applications.

We double-dog dare you to read them with your own eyes.

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[the documents]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.

In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"


In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!

Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!


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