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Characters Escape From Carl Hiaasen Novel, Get Arrested With Pot Guarded By Alligators

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And now, dear Wonketteers, a headline that is quite simply tailor-made for Your Wonkette:


TWO ALLIGATORS, A POLE DANCER AND POT AT OLYMPIA AREA SHOOTING SCENE

Jesus Christ, this is what the internet was made for. Do we even have to write a story to go along with that? Actually, we do!

In a "normally quiet Scott Lake neighborhood" near Olympia, WA, sheriff's deputies responded to a report of shots fired on Monday, according to Thurston County Sheriff's spokesman Lt. Greg Elwin. And then...hell, there's really no way to improve on Jennifer Sullivan's reporting at the Seattle Times' blog, so here you go:

Investigators were greeted by a 41-year-old man who lives at the home. The man said he had opened fire in self-defense after someone tried to run him over outside his home, Elwin said.

But investigators believe the man had actually shot at a car that had pulled up outside the home in an ambush-style attack, Elwin said. A 30-year-old man later showed up at Providence St. Peter Hospital, in Olympia, to be treated for a gunshot wound to the arm and a bullet grazing injury to his back.

While inside the home, investigators found a floor to ceiling brass pole and talked to an exotic dancer, Elwin said.

Umm... question? How did they know she (?) was an exotic dancer? Did she give that as her occupation, or did they simply assume that, from the stripper pole and maybe the tassels over her nipples? We feel a bit let down by this part of the reportage, but the next bit makes up for it.

When detectives tried to walk into another room they were met by two five-foot long alligators hissing at them from the floor.

“They were there for protection for the marijuana grow area. They were just crawling around on the floor,” Elwin said. The detectives immediately shut the door.

The 41-year-old suspect, who was arrested for investigation of attempted murder, offered to help the detectives corral his gators. He managed to get them into a nearby bathroom where they were left in the water-filled bathtub. Because it wasn’t clear how long the alligators would be there, they were left with some raw chicken parts to gnaw on, Elwin said.

Thurston County Animal Control officials have been contacted, Elwin said.

“We don’t know what the legalities are of keeping alligators, it could be just fine,” he added.

Ladies and Gentlemen, nominations are now open for the Pulitzers. Apart from leaving us hungry to know more about the backstory of these people, this may very well be the greatest thing ever published on the interwebs in the past 48 hours.

Actually, maybe it's just as well we don't know. The fan-fiction will be far better than any of the dull, mundane reality of these people's lives. We hope it turns out that one of them has either a weed-whacker or a choking pitbull attached to the end of their right arm.

On further reflection, we do realize that a couple of elements keep this from being the Ultimate Wonkette Story of Ever: There's no tranny porn, heavily-armed militia lowlifes, or pink dildos. So close. So very close...

[SeattleTimes, via alert reader Nostrildamus]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers at least claimed to focus their efforts entirely on immigrants involved in criminal activity. Those days are long gone, and now they're going after anyone, including law-abiding people who are just trying to drive their pregnant wives to the hospital to give birth.

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. Georgia State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

media.giphy.com

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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