Charlie Kirk Can Go F*ck Himself With Any Balance Beams Simone Biles Not Currently Using

Who's ready for another day of opinions about Simone Biles from dumpy, mostly conservative white men who couldn't do a preschool-level somersault if you paid them?

A lot of people have had good things to say about Biles this week, and the best takes among them have been that none of us can possibly imagine what she's currently going through, and she doesn't actually owe us anything, so maybe we should all just STFU and send our love. Biles announced this morning that she's pulling out of the individual all-around finals, having taken what she called a mental health day after pulling out of the team final. She could still compete next week, but maybe she won't. It'll be up to her and has nothing to do with any of the rest of us.

We don't have a lot to add to the good things that have already been said, so we'll just agree with those pointing out that if you are the greatest gymnast in world history and your brain is causing you to forget where you are IN THE AIR while you're in the middle of insane twisting routines — gymnasts call it getting the "twisties," and you should click here to learn all about it — then it's probably best for you and everyone else if you don't break your neck and have to get carried away in a stretcher. On that last vault, she had a mental break in the middle of the air. Because she's so damn good, she was still able to land it on her feet, without the precision she needed, but also without killing herself. She had been experiencing similar troubles in the prelims. It wasn't a blip. She's going through a thing. She's a human being who goes through things.

Expert athletes, musicians — anybody who has to perform like that — will tell you that once your body is capable of doing a thing, the rest of it is mental. It's muscle memory. It's a zone they get into. If their brains fail to do their part, bad things can happen. If the skill in question is one where you literally can paralyze yourself for life if you fuck up, it's probably best to know thyself and get out of there before you literally paralyze yourself for life.

People have been comparing Biles to a Steph Curry or Tom Brady type — mostly these dumpy conservative white men bitching and moaning about "YEW DON'T DO THAT TO YER TEAM!" — but if those two athletes experience similar mental fuckups at a crisis moment, they miss the basket or throw an extremely shitty pass. A world-renowned concert pianist might be betrayed by their brain in the middle of the Rach 3 and get up and have to walk off stage without finishing. They don't suddenly end up hurling their bodies into their pianos and slamming the lids on their necks. What Biles is the greatest in the world at is uniquely dangerous, to say the least.

There's far more to say about it, but again, lots of people have already said some good things.

All that said, Charlie Kirk is a real piece of shit. This dumpy white conservative with an inhumanly tiny face that looks like a close-up of an infected ass pimple thinks he has opinions worth sharing about Biles.

KIRK: She probably coulda just competed and just kinda checked the boxes and they would've got a gold medal.

Would love to hear about Charlie's expertise in what "checking the boxes" entails for a gymnast. Of course, if Biles had ended up severely injuring herself, that probably wouldn't have done wonders for Team America Fuck Yeah's medal contention possibilities. But hey, let's listen to He Of The Unfuckable Face some more:

KIRK: Simone Biles says, "This Olympic Games, I wanted to be for myself when I came in, and I felt like I was still doing it for other people," as she cried after the team event on Tuesday. "So that just, it like hurts my heart, because doing what I love has been kinda taken away from me to please other people."

Yeah, that's the point, SIMONE BILES. You're representing your nation, you selfish sociopath. You kidding me?

Big surprise, Charlie Kirk, dumpy conservative white man, thinks a Black woman exists to please other people.

Kirk continued quoting Biles, and adding his entitled editorial comments.

KIRK: "Today, it's like you know what? I'm not going to do something and get hurt. It's just not worth it, especially when you have three amazing athletes who can step up to the plate and do it." So you know who has the gold medal? Russia. Russia. I have to go look at these 4'11" Russian Olympians chewing on their gold medals, smirking at the Americans. I'm not OK with that, but honestly that's where we're headed.

You know how Trump conservatives just hate letting Russia have the upper hand. Hate it.

KIRK: We are raising a generation of weak people like Simone Biles.

Weak people like Simone Biles, as assessed by ...

KIRK: If she's got all these mental health problems, don't show up.

This is one of the stupidest things these dumpy white men have been saying about all this, suggesting that Biles has been keeping her mental health issues a secret so she could pull a fast one on everybody and quit at the Olympics. As if this whole time she's been like LOL SUCKERS, I'm not going to win ANY gold medals, FOOLED YOU!

KIRK: Of course, she's an incredible athlete. I'm not saying that—she's probably the greatest gymnast of all time. She's also very selfish, she's immature and she's a shame to the country.

Hate selfish people who selfishly refuse to break their selfish necks so Charlie Kirk can sit on his dimply ass with a Patriot Stiffy and scream "U-S-A! U-S-A!" And if Biles were to have injured herself and could never compete again like Kerri Strug, but she got that gold for Charlie Kirk to fantasize about swinging from said Patriot Stiffy? Worth it.

KIRK: She's totally a sociopath. Of course she's a sociopath. What kind of person skips the gold medal match? Who does that?

A person who assesses their own body and mind and determines they physically cannot compete?

KIRK: It's a shame to the nation. You just gave a gift to the Russians.

It's not on the level of handing over Rust Belt polling models to instruct Russian intelligence on how exactly to steal an election for Putin and install the stupidest, most loathed human being in American history as president. But it'll do, we guess.

KIRK: Don't show up. If you're not ready for the big time ...

If Simone Biles with her four gold medals and her four gymnastics skills literally named after her is not ready for the big time ...

KIRK: ... we got thousands of young female that would love to take the place. Thousands. Simone Biles just showed the rest of the nation that when things get tough, you shatter into a million pieces.

Go fuck yourself with a balance beam, Charlie.

For other hot takes on Simone Biles that should be completely and utterly ignored, there's Piers Morgan (of course) and if you really haven't gotten your fill of dumpy white people who really truly couldn't do a simple tumble on those blue and red preschool mats without spraining their groins and subsequently being out of commission for a week, there's always The Federalist, which just can't stop writing about it.

Christ, these assholes.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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