Chick Who Maybe Banged Ted Cruz Pretty Sure His Uggo Wife Deserves What She Gets

She's kind of an asshole.

Hey, you remember Katrina Pierson? That insane lady what goes on the television and says Donald Trump is dreamy, and who maybe allegedly according to the National Enquirerlet Ted Cruz put his tiny Canadian maple leaf-flavored erection inside her vagina. Yeah, her! Well she remembers last week completely differently from how everybody with a brain remembers it:

Donald Trump's national spokeswoman strongly contested on Tuesday the notion that Trump's retweet of a side-by-side image of his wife Melania and Heidi Cruz constituted an attack on the wife of the Texas senator.

“No, I don’t think that’s an attack. That is not an attack, no. It is supporting his wife," Katrina Pierson said during a heated interview with CNN's Don Lemon on "New Day." [...]

“Well, of course not. Mr. Trump didn’t make the picture. He retweeted a tweet because he said his wife is beautiful just the way that she is," Pierson said. "And since when did it become OK to attack a woman? What is the policy here? Is it OK to attack a woman, malign her character, impugn her dignity just because she’s beautiful?”

Um, WHAT? Because some say Trump was actually attacking Heidi Cruz, by retweeting that thing. And according to our #ScienceKnowledge, Heidi Cruz is a woman! Want to see the tweet again?

Also, to this specific point, SOME SAY Donald Trump has a long history of attacking women. Megyn Kelly for instance! And he attacked her because she brought up things Trump likes to say about other women. Let's remind ourselves of how that exchange went:

"You've called women you don't like, 'fat pigs,' 'dogs,' 'slobs,' and 'disgusting animals,'" Ms Kelly began before she was quickly interrupted by Mr Trump.

"Only Rosie O'Donnell," he said.

Oh and maybe maybe allegedly MAYBE allegedly Trump maybe raped his former wife Ivana, MAYBE ALLEGEDLY.

Since Katrina Pierson apparently wasn't paying attention last week, here is what actually happened: A super PAC not actually affiliated with Ted Cruz tweeted a picture of Melania Trump's sumptuous boobyknockers, as a way of frightening Mormons away from supporting Trump. This worked and Ted Cruz won Utah, because Mormons are terrified of boobyknockers.


So Donald Trump retaliated against Ted Cruz (who did not do the boobyknocker picture, and we really hate having to defend Cruz like this, but it's true) by tweeting a thing about how he was going to "spill the beans" about some sort of gross secret Heidi Cruz has.

THEN Trump retweeted one of his pigfart-eating supporters who made the picture you see way up above, of Heidi Cruz looking like shit and Melania looking bootylicious. And then Ted Cruz finally got mad and told Trump to come at him bro, and then uh oh, all the TED CRUZ SEX SCANDALS were published in the Enquirer, including the part about how Katrina Pierson maybe rode Ted Cruz's foreign-born fleshstick a time or two.

That is what happened last week. Katrina Pierson is smoking dick. Is she smoking Ted Cruz's dick? We do not know.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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