Chris Christie A Petty, Vengeful Monster, Part Infinity, Section Fort Lee Lane Closures, Subsection Amateur Hour
Class, what do we think about this email? Does it "raise serious doubts about months of claims by the Christie administration that the September closures of local access lanes to the George Washington Bridge were part of a traffic study initiated solely by the Port Authority"? Does it make you wonder if Chris Christie is an actual non-human troll who lives under the GWB in the burned-out fuselage of a taxpayer-funded helicopter? Interesting questions to think about as we get out our textbooks and turn to chapter 58: "The 58th Reason Why Chris Christie Should Not Under Any Circumstances Be President."
Now, before we get started, remember -- if we see anyone playing the popular game "Chris Christie Personally Ordered The Fort Lee Lane Closures," we will not be happy! We know it's a fun game, because this whole thing looks really bad for Christie regardless of whether he gave the order, or whether several of his hand-picked staff exercised extraordinarily poor judgment and basically acted like cartoon villains without his knowledge. But this is a dangerous game, kids! You could hurt your credibility!
Instead, you can play "How Will Chris Christie's Opponents Use This Against Him In The Primary, If He Runs?" That is a fun game, too! Jimmy, do you want to be Ted Cruz? What does Ted Cruz say? Does he say "Chris Christie failed the most basic test of a governor by acting irresponsibly at best, and maliciously at worst, toward his own citizens"? Use your imaginations!
Kaiden, stop eating that paste! We don't care if you're Rand Paul, paste is not for eating.
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