He's looking out for YOU


Good news, kids! New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is back to giving a bacon-wrapped figgy snack about you. Sort of. Sure, there was that awkward moment in November when he wrote a nastygram to President Obama, vowing to ban all Syrian refugees, even "orphans under the age of 5," from his state. You know how dangerous those toddler terrorists can be, with their stinky diapers and their temper tantrums at bath time. Naturally, Christie never followed through with his empty threats because that guy is all talk. Or shouting. Mostly shouting.

Now, though, the pro-life presidential candidate has a concern about The Children, at least the American kind, at least when it comes to protecting their precious little brains from confusion about how boys make a potty like this and girls make a potty like that. During an event Monday, some lady dick with apparently no problems at all in her life asked Christie about California's radical extremist law that allows kids to piss in whatever goddamned toilet they want. (That would be the law a bunch of perverts have been trying, unsuccessfully, to overturn with something they call the Personal Privacy Protection Act, under which they could sue you for thousands of dollars if you invade their personal privacy by whizzing in a public bathroom against their wishes.)

This creepy lady wanted to know if Christie thinks about kids going potty, and ew gross, he actually does, quite a bit:

Christie responded by joking that life is simpler in New Jersey, "Men go to men's rooms, women go to women's rooms and there really shouldn't be a whole lot of confusion about that -- public accommodations. And I don't think we should be making life more confusing for our children."

Before you start scratching your head about how much time kids spend thinking about other kids' pissing practices, behold this logic turd:

"Life is confusing enough right now for our children," Christie said. "Think about those kids in Los Angeles who last week had their entire district closed because of a threat. Think about what they felt like the next day when they went back to school. Did they feel completely comfortable, did they feel like they were safe? How did their mothers and fathers feel when they sent them to school that day?"

Aw crap, really? We'd rather not think about children interrupting their parents' delicate explanations of classes being canceled to say, "Forget that terrorism stuff and tell me how come the fuck little Sally tinkles in the boys' room, HUH, Mommy?" We'd prefer to imagine the students of the Los Angeles Unified School District are not as baffled by potty time as Chris Christie.

But what the hell do we know? Given the state of the world -- with Syrian toddlers trying to sneak in to America to blow up our schools, and everything -- maybe it is better for The Children if we don't burden them with the additional anxiety of deciding where to whiz:

"The fact though is that we want our kids not to have to decide which bathroom they get to go in. And not to be subject to peer pressure about which one to go in. And not to be subject to the embarrassment that could come with going in a bathroom where somebody maybe doesn't agree that they should be in there or not," Christie said.

Literally no one on Planet Earth is asking our kids to make major life decisions about where to piss. And honestly, we'd expect better from the governor who launched his presidential campaign by threatening to offend everyone. If Christie were as tough as he pretends to be, he'd tell those kids in California and everywhere else to just hold it in. We need to be raising tougher kids these days anyway, if we're going to defeat the growing scourge of terrorist toddlers.

[Asbury Park Press / CNN via Jezebel]

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