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Chris Christie Won't Be Mitt's VP Because Chris Christie Knows A Loser When He Sees One

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For months, political comedy aficionados everywhere have been demanding a Romney-Christie "Odd Couple" GOP ticket, where Chris Christie would leave his dirty socks all over the floor after a hard day of screaming abuse at schoolteachers, and Mitt Romney would pick them up with tongs while grinning mirthlessly. Sadly, this was not to be, and probably you thought it was because Romney's people figured out that Christie's "fugeddaboutit" brand of Garden State rage wouldn't play well among emotionally healthy people. But now secret inside sources have leaked to the New York Post the REAL reason: Chris Christie would have been legally required to quit as Governor of New Jersey in order to hoover up all that delicious Wall Street cash, and Chris Christie is not about to quit being Governor of New Jersey to be Mitt Romney's running mate, because Chris Christie is pretty sure that Mitt Romney is going to lose.

So Chris Christie's main problem (other than the seething, omnidirectional anger within him that will eventually kill him with a massive stroke) is that he's governor of New Jersey, which is secretly where most of the superrich who run Wall Street live and, in many cases, work. These superrich people mainly backed Obama in 2008 because they were terrified of being lynched if the country devolved into violent Palin-run anarchy, but now they're ready to give craploads of money to Mitt Romney because he looks like (is) one of them and also because Obama says mean things about them sometimes.

That sounds like great news for the guy who already lives amongst these richie riches, right? But if you need more evidence that job-killing Democrat regulations are killing America's (governors' chances for vice presidential) jobs, just take a look at the freedom-crushing laws that prevented a Christie candidacy:

One rule, enacted in the mid-1990s, restricts Wall Street executives whose firms underwrite municipal bonds from making personal contributions of more than $250 to a governor running for federal office -- or risk being banned from doing business in that state for two years.

That severely limits banks like Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase, and Citibank from donating to a Romney-Christie ticket if Christie remained governor because they do business with New Jersey.

The second rule, enacted in 2010, limits pension-investment advisers from making campaign donations to a governor running for federal office.

That would have restricted powerhouse firms like Morgan Stanley, Lazard and Wellington Advisors from contributing, because they also do business with New Jersey.

Gah! The obvious solution, of course, would have been for Christie to quit his job upon being anointed by Romney, since he won't be working much during the campaign anyway and then after November 6 it's off to Washington, right?

But Christie adamantly refused to sacrifice his post, believing that being Romney's running mate wasn't worth the gamble.

"[Christie] felt, at one point, that [President] Obama could lose this. And, look, there still is that chance. But he knows, right now, you have to say it's unlikely," one source said.

Sorry, Mitt! For extra hilarity/state stereotype points, imagine that anonymously sourced quote read in the voice of beloved Simpsons character Fat Tony, as voiced by Joe Mantegna.

Chris Christie offered to weasel around these mean rules by promising that he would literally refuse to make important decisions about state bonds and pensions during the campaign, but such transparent legal-financial chicanery was too much even for Mitt Romney. Meanwhile, Paul Ryan continues to theoretically be a member of Congress, and that's all nice and legal because members of Congress have no power over anything, so why make them quit their silly pretend jobs? Ryan is also hedging his bets and running for re-election, though he's sure to lose that race now that his opponent did an IAmA on Reddit. [NYP]

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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