Don't eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman, but also being a whore who uses slut pills, to keep from knocking his lady-wife up with tiny, yelling Chris Christie baby clone people. More specifically, Christie said he is probably a bad Catholic for doing this, but back in the day, he and the wife didn't always take their sex tips from the pope -- sometimes they used birth control!
"I'm a Catholic but I've used birth control, and not just the rhythm method," the presidential candidate said in the town hall event. [...]

"My church has a teaching against birth control. Does that make me an awful Catholic? Because I believe and practiced that function during part of my life? I don't think so," he said.

Ew, Chris Christie said "practiced that function," and he was talking about the olden days when he would put his thing inside a sex hole, ewwwwwww, we told you not to eat lunch today.

Here are Chris Christie's Birth Control Tips:

1. Well, we're sure he's done the rhythm method at least a few times! See, here he is rhythm methoding on television:

Oh, that's not what "rhythm method" means, in a Catholic way? Never mind.

2. Wrap your Little Christie up, like a Little Debbie snack cake! Like, maybe you could use one of the candy wrappers from the $82,594 worth of snacks Christie eated, on the New Jersey taxpayers' dime. Be sure to shake all the crumbs out before attempting penetration!

3. Yell at your sex companion, the way Chris Christie always yells at things. They will never let you do sex to them then. Abstinence works!

4. Slut pills, duh.

5. If all else fails, be Chris Christie. Total ladyboner killer.

The end.

[Talking Points Memo]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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If you want to take the pulse of the nation, with regards to feminism and how people feel about it, who do you go to? Well, if you are Brian Kilmeade of Fox News, you go to Tomi Lahren. Last night, these two geniuses discussed a recent poll conducted by Refinery29 and CBS News showing that only 46% of millennial women consider themselves feminists. Tomi Lahren knows why that is, and it's because feminists refuse to embrace Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Obviously.

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It's still Omarosa week! Aren't you glad it's still Omarosa week and that we still get to talk about Omarosa a lot more????


OK, us neither. There are a couple things we need to point out though. One is that the Trump campaign's lawsuit against Omarosa for breaking the terms of an unenforceable nondisclosure agreement is HORSESHIT. We'll lawsplain that at you later today. Another is that it really is super fucked up, and entirely expected, that Trump called Omarosa a "dog." He probably wanted to call her a bitch and thinks he behaved himself by using the word "dog." Sarah Huckabee Sanders cannot guarantee we will never hear the president on tape using the N-word, because she absolutely knows it almost 100% certainly happened.

Those are some things about our current Week Of Omarosa.

But wait, here's another thing!

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