Tell us things!

WE. KNEW. IT. We saw this tweet Tuesday afternoon (hilariously retweeted by OURSELF, FOLLOW US ON TWITTER AND EXPERIENCE JOY) ...

... and we said to ourself, "Self? Bet you a dollar Chris Cillizza sees this and cannot resist the bait, and publishes some kinda horseshit 'analysis' of why Hillary Clinton sucks so bad and he hates her and OMG she is the worst." We figured this would happen because A) that's just about the only kind of article Cillizza can be relied upon to write on a consistent basis and B) he has such a bad sense of what's important in the news cycle that SURELY he would push everything aside to address the pressing matter of "Chris Cillizza Still Thinks Hillary Is A Bitch, Full Story At Eleven."

Glad we took that bet!

Dunno Chris Cillizza, WILL YOU TELL US?

Cillizza identifies four reasons Hillary is still the worst, according to this very important poll, and here they are, paraphrased lovingly by Wonkette because you don't actually want to read his shit words:

  1. Trump won't stop talking about her, therefore it's like we are in PERMANENT 2016 CAMPAIGN MODE, oh god, he actually may be right about that.
  2. Hillary is the worst, like she won't even say she's sorry for sucking so much ass in the election and getting only three million more popular votes (translation: human votes) than Trump, how does she even sleep at night knowing how much she has disappointed Chris Cillizza and probably everybody else too?
  3. Republicans have been saying she's the worst for 30 years, and she's the only Democrat left whom Republicans love to hate. In related news, sad news about the sudden and untimely deaths of Nancy Pelosi and Elizabeth Warren, who apparently don't exist anymore!
  4. TOO SOON, HILLARY, TOO SOON! Cillizza's argument is that it's too soon after the 2016 election to expect people to like Hillary Clinton -- golly, Chris Cillizza surely still doesn't! Maybe if she goes away for a hundred years, people will forget why they hated her in the first place. (Chris Cillizza will not forget. Chris Cillizza is like A Elephant Who Never Forgets when it comes to why he hates Hillary, and that is why CNN pays him $$$$$.)

Oliver Willis over at ShareBlue suggests a fifth reason:

He is just saying.

Man, is it Christmas or something? We got to kick Axios in the ass this morning, now we've gotten to do the same to Chris Cillizza the same day. Quick, Maggie Haberman, be the absolute worst so we can make it a three-fer!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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