Christian Bride Passes Traditional Daddy Vag Inspection Before Wedding
UNLESS YOU'RE JESUS, MY DAD OR MY HUSBAND.
Weddings are the toughest, amirite, ladies? But they are the most magical day in a girl's life, if you can just make everything Just So in preparation for your big day. STEP ONE: Find a man whose walk with the Lord is strong like yours! STEP TWO: Say OMG YES! when he asks you to be his Christian bride. STEP THREE: So many preparations! You have to pick out the dress and the flowers and the invitations and make the guest list and your bridesmaids are like "DON'T BE SUCH A BRIDEZILLA, TIFFANY" and (phew!) you needed that because really, is it that important what color the napkins were? Gah, Tiffany. STEP FOUR: Be grateful your girls have your back because #sisterhood.
Most girls forget this one, but it's the most important one, so STEP FIVE: Go to the doctor and get him to check under the hood to verify that no man-penis has entered there, and then get him to write your dad a love note about how nice and intact a pussy you still have!
What? You didn't do that? WELL ENJOY HELL, LADIES, because according to the New York Post, a lady named Brelyn Bowman did that, and she couldn't be happier about her dad's reaction to her pre-nuptial vag exam:
Brelyn Bowman wanted to show her dad, a prominent pastor in Maryland, that she was still a virgin before she said “I do” to her longtime boy toy at a lavish ceremony Oct. 10 that included more than 3,500 people.
To make her innocence official, Bowman took matters into her own hands.
“I was able to present a certificate of purity to [my dad] signed by my doctor that my hymen was still intact,” Bowman wrote on her Instagram page along with a photo of her first dance with her old man at the wedding.
“If one person has made a decision to wait until marriage or decide to stop & wait we have done our job,” she wrote on another photo. “Let’s make Jesus famous!”
Jesus gets famous by getting doctors to check ladies' sexholes for penis-barriers before marriage and putting them on Instagram? YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG, MR. CHRIST!
But for real, she put it on Instagram:
This is my husband, this my dress, this is my vagina certificate what says my bean's never been soaked, and this is not AT ALL like that weird ancient tradition of hanging a bloody sheet out the window, though you might as well have done that, BRELYN! You wouldn't have had to pay a co-pay at your gyno or nothin'.
Of course, she's leaving out the other reason it's important to keep your clam sparkly and dick-free for Jesus, until you meet your husband. As the Duggars taught us, strange jizz causes lady cancer. It's just science, look it up, dumb-dumb. Also, while we're doing Science Facts? According to lady doctors, this whole "hymen test" doesn't prove shit:
Someone who’s never had penetrative intercourse can still have a transection through her hymen; someone who’s had penetrative sex might show no changes in her hymen at all. [...]
“It’s not necessarily a scientific exam,” [pediatric gynecologist Rachel Kastl-Casey says. “What you find on exam is not going to 100 percent correlate with what has happened in the past. … It can’t be proven.”
So MAYBE this lady's purity certificate is legit. MAYBE it's a fraud, and we need to see the long-form version.
Anyway, Brelyn's wedding pictures are just FULL of her virginity, which will be great when they show the kids one day. (God forbid they have daughters, Jesus Hymen-Breaking Christ. "Look, baby, getting married is so fun! It's mostly about transferring ownership of your noo-noo from Daddy to your new husband. Also there's cake!")
Here's more Instagram for you. It's their first dance! And somehow it's still about how Brelyn's twat has that unmistakable new car smell:
"Daddy and my first song was 'You Light Up My Life.' Know what really lights up a man's life, baby? When you give Daddy a signed doctor's note that says your hoo-hoo is in tip-top shape before the wedding. Then Daddy will give the note to your new husband in the mouth of one of the goats he's providing as part of your dowry. And if you don't do that, Jesus won't be famous, and it'll be your pussy's fault. You want Jesus to be famous, don't you?"
The New York Post reports that the Instagram of her wedding invitation also asked, "How many times have you witnessed two virgins get married?" because seriously, THIS WHOLE THING WAS APPARENTLY ABOUT HER VAGINA.
Did the husband have to get his dick checked out, to prove it's never been rammed up a lady or gentleman's love-hole?
Hahahaha, just kidding, boys can do what they want, in Jesus's name, amen.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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