As we all know, a bunch of super weird shit went down at the RNC last week. But one thing we didn't get to see at home, tragically, was the debut of "Torchbearer" -- a documentary that appears to be about how Jesus is good and Miley Cyrus is bad. I think? I don't know. The trailer is basically Phil Robertson wandering around talking about Jesus, and how the country needs to be a theocracy and whatnot, with a bunch of clips of BAD STUFF and GOOD STUFF spliced in.

For some reason, a weird amount of these clips are of Miley Cyrus.

Like, seriously. There are more clips of Miley Cyrus in there than anything else. HE IS SO MAD AT MILEY CYRUS! Because she is too sexy and God doesn't like that. You know who does like that? Hitler! Except probably not! Also there are clips of Martin Luther King, which is WEIRD given that dude (the Duck Dynasty one, not Martin Luther King -- PRESUMABLY!) believes that black people were better off during Jim Crow! Basically they hop through time showing when people were "good" (the American Revolution, the Pilgrims, etc.) and Jesus-y, and bad (the French Revolution, the Holocaust) and not Jesus-y. With a lot of whining about the Scopes monkey trial and how that ruined everything.

The documentary, described as a "Christian War Film," was written by Sarah Palin ghostwriter Rebecca Mansour and financed by Citizens United, so you know it is a quality piece of work. The gist of the whole thing is that when you take God out of society, everything goes bad and you have the Holocaust and Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande and racism and evolution being taught in schools and Miley Cyrus and the atomic bomb:

The atomic bomb thing is a little awkward, given that the Right was just bending over backwards to defend the use of it a couple weeks ago, and fretting that Obama might apologize for the U.S. having used it, even though it was SUPER GREAT of us to use it.

According to the review over at Right Wing Watch, the film includes excerpts from Dr. King's Letter From a Birmingham Jail "as an example of religious faith in the service of public righteousness" without acknowledging the fact that both Jim Crow and slavery were justified using religious arguments. Again, pretty weird coming from a dude who thinks black people were better off before the Civil Rights Movement.

It also acknowledges the Holocaust, which was bad! And you know whose fault the Holocaust was? Friedrich Nietzsche's, for saying that "God Is Dead." Not the fault of all the people out there who wanted to discriminate against Jewish people for not being Christian! Nope!

Robertson, by the way, has previously spoken at an event put on by an organization dedicated to converting Jews to Christianity.

From what I can tell, the gist of the entire film is that good stuff happened, and that was because people were into Jesus, and bad stuff happened, because people were not into Jesus, despite the fact that a lot of the people who made that bad stuff happen were, in fact, way into Jesus. Did their being super into Jesus not count because someone else, somewhere else was not way into Jesus? Apparently so!

But at least we know now that when the apocalypse comes, it will probably come in the form of surprisingly lovely Crowded House covers and furry outfits. Who would have thought?


Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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