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Hands down, our favorite part of the marathon Michael Cohen hearing Wednesday, aside from the times Cohen showed everybody evidence of Donald Trump's many criminal acts, was when GOP Rep. Clay Higgins of the great state of LOO-ZANER asked his questions. For Wonkette, there are few things better than discovering a new hayseed dumbshit Louie Gohmert-style Republican congressman, and Higgins? He is ... he is WOW.

Dressed in a vest that screamed, "I am your youth pastor, and you can trust me. Now just shut the door and tell me what's going on at home, on my penis," Higgins -- a huge bigot and former cop, and maybe a very dirty one at that! -- was pretty sure he was gonna GITCHA Michael Cohen, because Cohen brought evidence against Trump that he found in some boxes. What follows is a dramatic reading of the man formerly known as the "Cajun John Wayne," asking Cohen questions.



HIGGINS: WHAR BOXES, GOOD SIR? WHAR BOXES? ARE BOXES IN YOUR GAAAAAAA-RAGE?

COHEN: Um, they're in storage?

HIGGINS: WHAR BOXES? WHY YEW NOT GIVE BOXES TO THE PO-LICE? WHY YEW HIDE BOXES? WHAR BOXES?

COHEN: They gave them back ...

HIGGINS: WHAR BOXES? GIVE MISTER HIGGINS DA BOXES! WHAR BOXES? BOXES IS BURIED TREAS-UH! WHAR YEW BURY BOXES OF TREAS-UH AND HIDE DEM FROM POOR MISTER HIGGINS?

COHEN: Chairman, this congressman is too stupid, may I have a different one?

And then, given another opportunity later in the hearing, Higgins did it again. WHAR BOXES? Higgins hereby demanded the feds go get the boxes they had seized and then returned.

He also presented a theory of what this Michael Cohen character was doin' up there in Congress that day.


HIGGINS: YOU ARE JUST TRYIN' TO BE FAMOUS, MISTER COHEN!

COHEN: I mean, I've been going on TV for Trump since ...

HIGGINS: I NEVER HEARD UH YA IN MY LIFE! WHAR BOXES?

It was amazing. God really just opened a window for Wonkette right there, don't you think?

Clay Higgins mighta shoulda spent some more time during his cop days learning actual cop things, because he is very confused about what happens to evidence such as that collected in the Michael Cohen raid when the feds are done with it. If they took a bunch of random shit and they don't need it anymore, they tend to give it back! So the basic answer to Higgins's very smart questions is that, just like Michael Cohen tried to say one hundred times, they brought that shit back.

But Emily Jane Fox, the Vanity Fair reporter who specializes in All Things Cohen, decided to get to the bottom of the question of WHAR BOXES, and she came back with a pretty good story!

Turns out that in the prep for the hearing, Cohen's lawyers told him that his opening statement was PRETTY GOOD, but that GOP assholes were just going to call him a liar no matter what, so it would help if he found some evidence to back up his explosive claims. So he checked the couches and he checked the pantry and he checked his butt, until it dawned on him that the FBI had brought all these WHAR BOXES back to him, and that they were in storage down in the basement of the building where he lives, which is owned by Donald Trump, and where IVANKA AND JARED also have an apartment.

WHAR BOXES? Downstairs from Javanka in the Trump building!

So down Cohen went, probably muttering "WHAR BOXES" under his breath the whole time, having no clue why he was doing a Cajun accent or why he was asking WHAR BOXES when he already knew exactly where the fuck they were. The first box he found was TOO HOT! So Cohen moved on. The second box he found was TOO COLD! But the third box he found was JUST RIGHT, because it was just full of Trump crimes. Did the feds make any copies of all those documents when they had them? OH WE DUNNO.

"Oh my god," he said when he opened the third. He'd hit the mother lode. In the third box were three years of Trump's financial statements, from 2011 through 2013, which Cohen pointed to on Wednesday as evidence that the president had purposefully inflated and deflated his personal assets when it suited him—to secure bank loans or land a higher spot on the Forbes 400 list, for instance, or to lower his tax liability. There were also countless personal notes from Trump, scrawled across newspaper clippings, printed articles, and torn-out pages from glossy magazines. One note, written in Sharpie across an unflattering article, urged Cohen to call a reporter and threaten him with a lawsuit; another, on a story prominently featuring Cohen, read simply, "Michael, enjoy this while it lasts." [...]

The box also contained an e-mail with Trump Organization C.F.O. Allen Weisselberg, whose name came up almost as often as Trump's in the House hearing on Wednesday. The exchange had to do with how Cohen would be reimbursed for the $130,000 payment he made to adult-film actress Stormy Daniels, 11 days before the election, in order to keep her from going public with allegations of an affair with Trump.

And a couple trips to the bank later, Cohen had copies of checks to show to Congress, and it was just very good that he thought to go downstairs in the Javanka Trump building where he lives and look at those boxes.

Reached for comment (not really), a single tear rolled down Congressman Higgins's cheek, as he silently accepted that mere mortals may never truly know WHAR BOXES.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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