Clintons Murdered Jeffrey Epstein, But He Got Better

Accused child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein has been placed on suicide watch in the federal jail where he's awaiting trial, after he was found "semi-conscious with marks on his neck" Wednesday night, according to WNBC-TV. Not surprisingly, that led the hashtag #ClintonBodyCount to explode on Twitter today, because what could be more obvious proof of the Clintons' malign influence than the "attempted suicide" of a guy who could spill the beans about Bill and Hillary's deep state sex slavery ring? Of course, Epstein survived, which sort of argues against the notion of the incident involving Hillary's elite death squads, but why let a minor detail like "no body" get in the way of another entry on the Body Count?

There's not a lot of detail about what happened with Epstein at Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional Center (MCC). WNBC reports only that two sources said Epstein was found in "a fetal position" in his cell, and that he may have tried to hang himself. A third source said the injuries weren't serious, and speculated Epstein may have been trying to get transferred somewhere else.A fourth source said officials were investigating whether Epstein was assaulted by another inmate, a former cop who's been charged with murdering four people in connection with a cocaine distribution racket. The attorney for that inmate told NBC News the former cop never assaulted nobody, and that the leaked allegation was obvious retaliation by jail officials after his client complained about conditions at MCC.

Those are the facts so far, which all add up to only one conclusion for the Loonysphere: The Clintons are behind it all, because who else would be able to get an ex cop (from NEW YORK, where the Clintons run everything) to put the hit on Epstein?

And so on. So far, we haven't seen any brilliant explanations of why the plot failed in this instance, since the Clintons are usually so unfailingly lethal. (You know, Roger Stone knows they killed JFK Jr., for "reasons," except the joke is on them since John John actually faked his death and will soon reveal himself as "Q.") We doubt any of the true believers will be bothered by that insignificant detail, though, because you know how it is with the Clintons, who work in such mysterious ways that they leave no evidence at all.

If you're more into mere reality, the "Clinton Body Count" has been debunkedagain and again, and really doesn't hold up so great. Seems the Clintons are really good at murdering Arkansas teenagers via choo-choo trains, because the kids "saw something." They also have a penchant for shooting commerce secretaries to death on a plane that slammed into a mountain in a storm. And yet they also managed to let all the major figures in Bill Clinton's impeachment survive, the klutzes.

Clearly, we need to be on the lookout for some very tangential figure, like perhaps the doorman at a building where Epstein's dentist once lived, getting hit by a bus. That will be the real proof of just how deep the conspiracy goes.

Now no wishing pain or death or prison shower "jokes" on anyone in the comments, suckers, those are still the rules.

[WNBC / CNBC / Mother Jones / Snopes / Daily Dot]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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