CNN's Don Lemon Has To Ask If A Black Hole Eated Up Malaysian Airliner


CNN's Don Lemon is just trying to top himself, we guess. On Sunday, he wondered if maybesomething supernatural had happened to Malaysia Airlines flight MH 370, since why not? And then by Wednesday, he was just throwing questions from Twitter at a panel of experts, because again, this is how science works: take any damn guess that someone came up with while baked and remembering old TV shows, and ask a scientist. And so Lemon asked former U.S. Department of Transportation Inspector General Mary Schiavo, with a Serious Journalism look on his face, if maybe there was some merit to tweeted questions about the Bermuda Triangle, Lost, The Twilight Zone, or the airliner maybe vanishing into a black hole.

"That's what people are saying," Lemon said. "I know it's preposterous — but is it preposterous you think, Mary?"

Why is anyone making fun of Don Lemon for this? After all, he knows it's preposterous...but doesn't it make sense to double-check with a former transportation investigator, just to be on the safe side? You never know, maybe she has some expertise with black-hole-caused crashes that wasn't previously known.

So tell us, former inspector general Mary Schiavo, is it preposterous to think a black hole is behind all this?

"Well, it is. A small black hole would suck in our entire universe so we know it's not that," Schiavo said. "The Bermuda Triangle is often weather. And 'Lost' is a TV show. So I think -- I always like things for which there's data history, crunch the numbers. So for me those aren't there."

"But I think it's wonderful that the whole world is trying to help with their theories and I absolutely love their theories," she added.

OK, maybe "wonderful" isn't the word we'd use; we bet the Wonkettariat can come up with a whole bunch of better adjectives. Also, we're not sure we agree with her a hundred percent on her police work, there, since a "small black hole" wouldn't "suck in our entire universe." Our universe has plenty of black holes, probably one at the center of every galaxy, so an itty-bitty one would merely suck in everything in our immediate galactic neighborhood, if that makes you feel any better.

If the possible debris sighted near Australia turns out to be the actual wreckage of the plane, the black hole theory will not be disproved, of course -- there's every possibility that any wreckage is just what was ejected from the alternate-universe version of the airliner that flew through a wormhole in their universe and emerged into ours.

Also, we don't feel too bad for Ms. Schiavo being a little wrong about matter-devouring singularities, seeing as how the one inside Don Lemon's skull was probably the first she'd ever encountered.


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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


Martin apparently bought the gun after successfully applying for an Illinois state Firearms ID. That license was revoked after he applied for a concealed carry license and was rejected due to his prior felony conviction in Mississippi, but no one bothered to see if he still had a gun.

Via USA Today:

"During the fingerprinting and background process it was discovered that he had a felony conviction for aggravated assault out of Mississippi," [Police Chief Kristen] Ziman said. "It should be noted that this conviction would not have shown up on a criminal background check conducted for an FOID card."

That seems like it might be a problem, no?

It has also since been revealed that Martin had a domestic battery arrest in 2008 in Aurora.


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