Our Secret Love Of Drinking Fetus Blood Has Been EXPOSED By 'Coach' Dave Daubenmire!
Hey fellow liberals. I hate to break it to all of you, but the jig is up. Dave "Coach" Daubenmire has got us figured out, and he knows that the whole reason we support abortion is because of how much we love drinking fetus blood in order to get high on "adrenochrome."
On his show this week, the one where he sits in front of a weird green screen of a football field and makes up weird shit, he asked his "audience" why the Left was so upset about the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh and the fact that it means we will be losing our reproductive rights by next year or so.
"Why are they so upset about abortion? Why are they so interested about death? Why do they want so much, the most important right they are ever going to have is the right for a woman to be able murder her unborn baby?"
Being far too clever, clearly, to even consider the fact that maybe people just don't want to be forced to give birth against their will, the "Coach" then brought in his buddy Vinnie to talk all about our thirst for fetus blood.
"These people are Satanists," Vinnie explains. "What they do is they sacrifice children and they use the children's blood for their drug adrenochrome."
Is THAT where our adrenochrome is coming from? Because I had been under the impression that the way we got our precious adrenochrome was by harvesting the adrenal glands of children molested in pizza shops. Of course, these science experts have many theories.
All the rave!
The "Coach," of course, agreed, explaining that adrenaline makes people feel good, so the evil Leftists want even more of it, so we make people have abortions and then drink the blood of the "sacrificed" fetuses. Now, I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem like a particularly smart way of going about things! You see, according to the CDC...
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 66 percent of legal abortions occur within the first eight weeks of gestation, and 92 percent are performed within the first 13 weeks.
That's right. At eight weeks, the fetus is only .63 inches long. At 13 weeks, a fetus is about 2.9 inches long. How much blood are you even going to get from that? Practically none! Certainly not enough to get high off of! Surely, there must be a better way to obtain this adrenochrome we all so crave. Perhaps by oxidizing epinephrine in a lab? Although, disappointingly, it is not proven to actually do anything at all in terms of getting you high.
Welp! I guess next year around this time, we'll all just have to switch to heroin.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse