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Our Secret Love Of Drinking Fetus Blood Has Been EXPOSED By 'Coach' Dave Daubenmire!

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Hey fellow liberals. I hate to break it to all of you, but the jig is up. Dave "Coach" Daubenmire has got us figured out, and he knows that the whole reason we support abortion is because of how much we love drinking fetus blood in order to get high on "adrenochrome."


On his show this week, the one where he sits in front of a weird green screen of a football field and makes up weird shit, he asked his "audience" why the Left was so upset about the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh and the fact that it means we will be losing our reproductive rights by next year or so.

"Why are they so upset about abortion? Why are they so interested about death? Why do they want so much, the most important right they are ever going to have is the right for a woman to be able murder her unborn baby?"

Being far too clever, clearly, to even consider the fact that maybe people just don't want to be forced to give birth against their will, the "Coach" then brought in his buddy Vinnie to talk all about our thirst for fetus blood.



"These people are Satanists," Vinnie explains. "What they do is they sacrifice children and they use the children's blood for their drug adrenochrome."


Is THAT where our adrenochrome is coming from? Because I had been under the impression that the way we got our precious adrenochrome was by harvesting the adrenal glands of children molested in pizza shops. Of course, these science experts have many theories.

All the rave!

The "Coach," of course, agreed, explaining that adrenaline makes people feel good, so the evil Leftists want even more of it, so we make people have abortions and then drink the blood of the "sacrificed" fetuses. Now, I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem like a particularly smart way of going about things! You see, according to the CDC...

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 66 percent of legal abortions occur within the first eight weeks of gestation, and 92 percent are performed within the first 13 weeks.

That's right. At eight weeks, the fetus is only .63 inches long. At 13 weeks, a fetus is about 2.9 inches long. How much blood are you even going to get from that? Practically none! Certainly not enough to get high off of! Surely, there must be a better way to obtain this adrenochrome we all so crave. Perhaps by oxidizing epinephrine in a lab? Although, disappointingly, it is not proven to actually do anything at all in terms of getting you high.

Welp! I guess next year around this time, we'll all just have to switch to heroin.

[RightWingWatch]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Wikimedia

Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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