How's our awful Federal Government persecuting with Bolshevik fury our Corporate Persons' most important representatives this week?? Let's count the ways. (There are two ways.)

Activist Judge issues evil Coal CEO maximum token scolding

Wednesday was sentencing day for former Massey Coal CEO Donald Blankenship. If you don't know, Blankenship is the sociopathic Mr. Belvedere who micromanaged the skirting of federal safety regulations at Massey’s Upper Big Branch Mine in West Virginia. So when a coal dust explosion killed 29 people, that was just part of doing business for the man who constantly pushed output at the expense of safety measures.

In anticipation of Blankenship's sentencing, we sharpened the knives and polished the pitchforks. Jailing CEOs for ignoring workplace safety rulesliterally never happens so we stood prime for some overdue fist-pumping justice. Judge Irene Berger banged the gavel and laid down the law. One year.

One year?! At that point we needed to remind ourselves that the jury found Blankenship not guilty of the two felony counts and only convicted him of a misdemeanor for lying to the investigators. But in typical Obama-appointee fashion, Judge Berger came down hard on a corporate success story. Just because Blankenship is also a Destroyer doesn't mean he's not a Creator. So a year. Yeah that makes sense.

After all, it wasn't like he was holding a few grams of crack cocaine when investigators caught him on tape lying about coal dust and black lung data. He's a different kind of criminal. One for which you hippies can save your breath when it comes to sentencing reform.

But what about deterrence for the stewards of our Corporate Persons? Never fear! Blankenship, a man worth tens of millions of dollars, was also fined $250,000. Or $8,620 for each miner who died in an explosion he could've prevented.

Typical Obama protecting your greedy grandparents at the expense of poor financial advisers

Even if you're a terrible doctor or lawyer, you have certain ethical and legal responsibilities to your clients. But what about investment advisers? Welp. Caveat Emptor and all that. Because why not treat professional services like buying an exercise bike off of craigslist?

But now the Department of Labor wants to get all Big Government on the captains of capital. New regulations, scheduled to go into effect by 2018, will require financial professionals to prioritize their clients’ interests ahead of their own financial gain when offering retirement advice.

These rules might make sense in a perfect world where financial advisers are like folksy general store merchants. But can we expect them to submit to these changes when the cutthroat selfishness of money men has been rewarded for centuries?

[M]any financial advisers were previously held to a lower, so-called “suitability standard” that required them only to sell products that were suitable enough for the client. Brokers who sold products on commission could legally steer clients to a mutual fund that paid the broker more than a fund that might have been a better option for the client, as long as the product was “suitable” for the client.

Oh sure. Why even go to work if I can't maximize administrative fees? If the Department of Labor is going to tell me how to play roulette with other peoples' money, they'd be on their hot third wife and not some government stiff at the Department of Labor.

These rules will likely face legal challenges to which Obama will respond with a "bring it on, like I give a fuck" reaction because he's so brilliant and empathetic that he can even speak Wall Street.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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