How's our awful Federal Government persecuting with Bolshevik fury our Corporate Persons' most important representatives this week?? Let's count the ways. (There are two ways.)

Activist Judge issues evil Coal CEO maximum token scolding

Wednesday was sentencing day for former Massey Coal CEO Donald Blankenship. If you don't know, Blankenship is the sociopathic Mr. Belvedere who micromanaged the skirting of federal safety regulations at Massey’s Upper Big Branch Mine in West Virginia. So when a coal dust explosion killed 29 people, that was just part of doing business for the man who constantly pushed output at the expense of safety measures.

In anticipation of Blankenship's sentencing, we sharpened the knives and polished the pitchforks. Jailing CEOs for ignoring workplace safety rulesliterally never happens so we stood prime for some overdue fist-pumping justice. Judge Irene Berger banged the gavel and laid down the law. One year.

One year?! At that point we needed to remind ourselves that the jury found Blankenship not guilty of the two felony counts and only convicted him of a misdemeanor for lying to the investigators. But in typical Obama-appointee fashion, Judge Berger came down hard on a corporate success story. Just because Blankenship is also a Destroyer doesn't mean he's not a Creator. So a year. Yeah that makes sense.

After all, it wasn't like he was holding a few grams of crack cocaine when investigators caught him on tape lying about coal dust and black lung data. He's a different kind of criminal. One for which you hippies can save your breath when it comes to sentencing reform.

But what about deterrence for the stewards of our Corporate Persons? Never fear! Blankenship, a man worth tens of millions of dollars, was also fined $250,000. Or $8,620 for each miner who died in an explosion he could've prevented.

Typical Obama protecting your greedy grandparents at the expense of poor financial advisers

Even if you're a terrible doctor or lawyer, you have certain ethical and legal responsibilities to your clients. But what about investment advisers? Welp. Caveat Emptor and all that. Because why not treat professional services like buying an exercise bike off of craigslist?

But now the Department of Labor wants to get all Big Government on the captains of capital. New regulations, scheduled to go into effect by 2018, will require financial professionals to prioritize their clients’ interests ahead of their own financial gain when offering retirement advice.

These rules might make sense in a perfect world where financial advisers are like folksy general store merchants. But can we expect them to submit to these changes when the cutthroat selfishness of money men has been rewarded for centuries?

[M]any financial advisers were previously held to a lower, so-called “suitability standard” that required them only to sell products that were suitable enough for the client. Brokers who sold products on commission could legally steer clients to a mutual fund that paid the broker more than a fund that might have been a better option for the client, as long as the product was “suitable” for the client.

Oh sure. Why even go to work if I can't maximize administrative fees? If the Department of Labor is going to tell me how to play roulette with other peoples' money, they'd be on their hot third wife and not some government stiff at the Department of Labor.

These rules will likely face legal challenges to which Obama will respond with a "bring it on, like I give a fuck" reaction because he's so brilliant and empathetic that he can even speak Wall Street.


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