Cocky Mitch McConnell Fights Cockfighting In Farm Bill, Cockfighting Fans Furious
Cockfighting is a "sport" in which angry, often drugged male chickens, or "cocks," try to kill each other in "rings" (called "cock rings") using their beaks, spurs, and sometimes razor blades or other weapons that their owners (called "real shitheel motherfuckers") attach to their weird, lizardlike bodies. Some people enjoy cockfighting, because it's part of their "heritage," or their "culture," or because they're "psychotic, dead-eyed monsters," or for other reasons. Sucks for them, though, because the new Farm Bill contains a provision that makes attending a cockfight a misdemeanor punishable by paying money and/or going straight to jail.
You know who else it sucks for? Adorable baby owl Mitch McConnell! He voted for the Farm Bill, which means the Senate Majority Leader is definitely going to lose his next election, according to some dude who is probably an even bigger asshole than Mitch McConnell:
"This will destroy Mitch McConnell in Kentucky," Craig Davis, president of the United Gamefowl Breeders Association, told the newspaper.
Whatever you say, terrible chicken man. Goddamnit, we hate it when we are on the same side as Mitch McConnell!
Davis, who confronted McConnell with hundreds of other "cockfighting enthusiasts" at a Monday event, said he could move "as many as 60,000 votes" if McConnell doesn't address the issue.
Here's a bold prediction: McConnell will not address the issue. He will beat Matt Bevin in the primary, and then it'll be a close race with Alison Lundergan Grimes -- which is the race McConnell should be thinking about. Even if Matt Bevin decides he will be the pro-freedom to make animals kill each other for fun candidate, McConnell will not let him come back from this:
The revelation last week that Bevin signed a letter to investors praising the 2008 bank bailouts, combined with Bevin's tortured explanation and repeated condemnations of the bailout, make for a potentially fatal political blow.
We don't really care about the sincerity of Matt Bevin's opinions on the bank bailouts, but the fact that he wasn't smart enough to, like, remember what he said about the bailouts, and then figure out a non-stupid way to work around that, is good evidence that he's not up to the task of beating McConnell. Also, this is pretty brutal.
So to recap, attending a cockfighting event is now a federal misdemeanor, and don't try to get cute and claim you were only hanging out in your favorite shit-smelling shack when these two chickens came out of nowhere and just started wailing on each other. The key takeaway here is that this story is about jerks, but Mitch McConnell is not one of the jerks. This is the political equivalent of seeing Halley's Comet, so savor it.
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