Cokehead Congressman Will Manage Your Crisis, For Money (To Buy More Cocaine)

You guys remember Trey Radel, don’t you? He’s the former “hip-hop conservative” ( he really called himself that! ) congresscritter (from Florida, naturally) who has a little problem with the booger sugar — or more specifically, being caught with the booger sugar — which led to him resigning last year .

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And what’s a disgraced ex-congressman to do with himself (after, of course, ALL the coke)? Public relations, man.

Trey Radel has launched the Trey Radel Media Group , which promises prospective clients “intimate, exclusively tailored crisis management” and “highly personalized training to message & manage media.” Trey Radel, you see, managed the media sooooo well during his particular crisis that he wants to impart to you his wisdom, for money. Which he can use to buy cocaine. Everyone wins!

“In a life filled with ups and downs,” Trey Radel’s website says of Trey Radel, “Radel has been able to apply his skill set and real life experience and to a wide range of crisis situations, both personally and professionally as the founder of the Trey Radel Media Group.”

He got coked up and lost his job so you don’t have to.

His website also teaches us some FUN FACTS about the self-proclaimed Chuck D aficionado, whose right-wing ideology is basically diametrically opposed to EVERY. FUCKING. THING PUBLIC ENEMY STOOD FOR, Jesus F. Christ, these people. Like, for instance, he speaks three languages and has worked in or backpacked through 50 countries (we’re guessing Colombia was one of them). And did you know that Trey started off in journalism — journalists love the cocaine, trust us, except we can’t really afford that shit any more, budget cuts — before building his own community newspaper and then selling it to Scripps (and what a party that weekend must have been)? Or that he became a talk-show host (which probably pays enough to support a healthy habit)? And then, of course, he went to Congress, and “The underdog won big, building a massive coalition of people cutting across generational, ethnic and cultural lines” (strangely, his website omits why he left exactly).

And now he’s ready to help you, especially those of you who have fucked up:

CRISIS. It hits. It hurts. You need more than a corporate boilerplate approach. You need highly personalized, exclusively tailored messaging and guidance from beginning to end and beyond.

A few of the possibilities we can personally walk you through include:

—Breaking the news to your loved ones.

—Speaking to your board members.

—Delivering your message to the media.

—Testifying before Congress.

—Buttoning up and maintaining your message to the media.

—Dealing with the aftermath.

—Rebuilding your name, your brand and your company.

Yes, Trey will tell your family and/or board that you’re going to jail, and he will probably say it very quickly.