Come On, Michael Cohen. We All Know Where This Is Going.

How you livin', Michael Cohen? Feeling good about your life choices lately? Last week Trump went on teevee to say that he and the world's dumbest fixer are never ever ever getting back together.

Vey iz mir! And Tuesday, Cohen noped out of his sweet gig on the RNC Finance Committee because the whole babies in cages thing hits a little too close to home for the son of a Holocaust survivor. To which this Yiddishe Mama says, "Nu, Boychik? Just now you realize you're lying down with a pack of rabid dogs?"

To make matters worse, Cohen is running out of money, and Trumpland has slammed the golden checkbook shut. Trump's family paid for the privilege review in New York to keep whatever they could out of the public record, and the campaign coughed up for some Mueller-related expenses. But whatever shit goes down in New York, Cohen is on his own. As the Wall Street Journal reports,

Mr. Cohen has frequently told associates in recent months he is frustrated that the president hasn't offered to pay his legal fees, which he has said are "bankrupting" him, according to one of the people. He has said he feels that Mr. Trump owes him after his years of loyalty to the former real-estate developer, whom he served for nearly a decade at the Trump Organization. [...]

The Trump campaign had been footing the bill for some of Mr. Cohen's legal expenses, paying nearly $230,000 to McDermott, Will & Emery LLP between October 2017 and January 2018, according to Federal Election Commission records and a person familiar with the matter. But those payments helped cover Mr. Cohen's legal representation in the separate Russia investigation, not in the probe of his business dealings.

Cohen famously claimed he'd take a bullet for The Orange Don and his crime family. But CNN says Cohen "feels let down by him and isolated" since getting kicked to the curb by his former capo.

"He knows a lot of things about the President and he's not averse to talking in the right situation," one of Cohen's New York friends who is in touch with him told CNN. "If they want information on Trump, he's willing to give it."

But is Cohen BOOHOO SAD enough to flip on Trump? Maybe! This week Cohen replaced his old lawyers with Guy Petrillo, who put in a decade at SDNY, then returned to head the criminal division in 2008 after a stint in private practice. Even Michael Avenatti was impressed, telling the NY Daily News, "[Petrillo is] a big upgrade from [Stephen] Ryan and one that he needed after being fleeced for millions in attorney's fees." MEOW, Our Boyfriend is catty! And we like it like that!

And speaking of attorney's fees, hiring Petrillo jibes with a theory floated in the Washington Post last week that Cohen's impending flip meant that his old attorneys were conflicted out.

The connection between Cohen's attorneys leaving and the possibility of him flipping is not that you don't still need a lawyer if you're cooperating (you do), but that these particular lawyers have been paid by the Trump campaign. That would mean that they'd have a conflict in representing him if in fact he is going to testify to something Trump or others involved in the Trump campaign might have done.

We like the cut of your jib, Paul Waldman! CREW's Norm Eisen has a similar theory.

That's right, Boychik! Time to tell Uncle Bobby everything you know! That orange momzer won't do bupkis for you! Like we always tell you, Az men shloft mit hint, shteyt men oyf mit fley!


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[WSJ / Vanity Fair / CNN / WaPo / NY Daily News]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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