Comedy Of Errors Of Comedy: Wonkette's Most Lamentable Mistakes Of 2013
In this New Media hellscape, the news comes at you fast and furious. Though we probably try our best, in our mad rush to write a dozen gross jokes about Sarah Palin's latest bedshitting incident and hit "publish" before everyone has moved on to the next stupid thing, we occasionally get something wrong. Yes, "occasionally," shut up. Here is your 2013 reminder that you should not believe a single word we say.
January 14: Rand Paul's son got arrested at a North Carolina airport for underage drinking and assaulting a lady (whoa, we forgot about that!) and SOMEHOW we got confused and told you about Kentucky's assault statutes when the assault happened in North Carolina. Shameful.
March 11: We wrote about something that was very many years old. It was a corker, though--some lady compared yr Wonket to Ann Coulter, which is nonsense! We are way meaner than Ann Coulter.
May 21: We wrote about David Koch using his moneyspeech to "kill" a potentially unflattering film about him called Citizen Koch that was set to appear on PBS. It turns out the film wasn't "killed," though it was blocked from appearing on PBS for reasons PBS claims have nothing to do with David Koch's sweet, sweet cash. It was just resting!
June 4: Would you believe that a Brazilian preacher did not actually offer his congregants "holy milk" from his peen? Whoops!
June 8: Yr Wonkette (this one) wrote a super preachy sanctimonious autofellatio thing in which we excoriated "all of you" for being so shocked and grumbly that the NSA was doing spy stuff. In this "piece" we got confused about PRISM and BLARNEY and so many acronyms, jeez! It turns out we were meta-wrong on this, too: Snowden's revelations actually did have a salutary effect on the discourse, much to our shock and awe. Dunce hat on.
June 25: Wow, June was apparently the month we were all drunk, all the time. This one was a good error, though: we originally reported that Wendy Davis's rag jag filibuster of the Texas Nobortions law had failed, but it did not! Then it later did, when they passed the law again. Still, Wendy Davis, rawr!
July 19: We aren't even sure if this was an error: German newsmagazine Der Spiegel quoted history's least belligerent Georgian peanut farmer Jimmy Carter as saying: "America does not have a functioning democracy at this point in time," but then we got a nice email from Carter's grandson being like, Nope. So, somebody was wrong. We'll just go with "us," because we are humble like that.
August 2: We reported, based on a single anonymous tip, that yr Editrix's most favorite lady Betsy Rothstein was fired. She wasn't! Then she was, a month later. Now she writes on the Daily Caller, where people enjoy her posts so much that they never, ever share or comment on them.
October 3: Salon nutted up during Shutdown Fever and interviewed John Culbertson, a member of Congress who is very good at writing fictional stories about Barack Obama, in his head. We basically copy-pasted the whole damn thing onto our own mommyblog, which was Wrong. We did not dare to speak with Culbertson, after all, therefore the fruits of Salon's labor were not ours to bestow. So we cut out the boring parts and UPDATED that sucker.
We surely made many more errors -- we are terrible, after all! -- but those are the only ones we could find by searching the archives for the word "update." If we left out any of your favorite fuckups, tell us in the comments, which you are not even allowed to do.
Merry Christmas! UPDATED: Happy Birthday!
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