Congratulations, Jim Gilmore, Here's Your One Wonkette Post Ever!
You DO exist!
[contextly_sidebar id="nBRVAuzhuT8nKLUkmIgML71dRoFI8Doe"]The (supposedly, please dear God we don't ask for much) final Republican undercard debate, between Senator Frothy Mixture, iCarly, and Governor Squirrelpork was as much of a shouty shouty Jesus fest as we've come to expect out of them. So it makes sense that America's attention somehow ultimately focused on ... wait, Jim Gilmore? Who?!
Yes! Jim Gilmore! The former Governor of Virginia-or-possibly-Nebraska (it's Virginia, we looked it up) was on the undercard debate stage last night (possibly after evading security and stealing someone's security badge), and ... people were actually interested in him!
The whole undercard was like a final, sad pity fuck with an ex after you've already broken up, which makes it amazing that this wet bag of Virginia ham suddenly and inexplicably had everyone's attention. For shit's sake, Jim Gilmore actually started trending on twitter! No, seriously, we're not joking:
The incredible part here is, Jim Gilmore started trending a significant stretch of time before #GOPDebate did. For an actual, real chunk of our existence that we swear we did not imagine, twitter was all a-flutter about Gilmorementum! And to be fair, he was WAY more entertaining than Jeb has ever been. At one point, undercard moderator Not-Chris-Wallace asked him, "Governor, you haven't even done ONE campaign event in Iowa? Why are you even here?" and Gilmore's response was basically "dude, FUCK Iowa, Iowa sucks" and even the Iowans seemed OK with it!
Another time, after not being called upon for a hot second, Gilmore channeled his inner Jim Webb (we're still not 100% convinced he wasn't actually Jim Webb in an elaborate cosplay) and got all indignant, asking, "Hey, did you miss me? Did you skip me?" And when the surly moderator FINALLY got back to him, he launched into the following tirade about how everything's rigged and no fair that the girl Carly Fiorina got to say more stupids than he did:
I just noticed just now you gave Carly Fiorina two one-minute answers in a row. This media across the country is manipulating and shaping and framing this campaign and has been for at least a year now in order to get the kind of choices that people are going to have an opportunity to see.
This is wrong. It has to change. And when I'm president, it's going to change.
Absolutely, for sure! But strangely, somehow America's resounding response was pretty much "fuck yeah, give Gilmore his time, Fox News!"
Maybe this shouldn't be so surprising. No one had really seen Gilmore before last night, so there was some attraction to the new and unique. On the other hand, when George Pataki was showing up for the undercard back when he was desperately hoping to be a thing, America responded by briefly wondering why Droopy Dog and Lurch had fucked and had a baby and then went back to watching Matlock.
So congratulations, Jim Gilmore. For one evening, at least, you were no longer a festive Christmas ham. You did enough last night to earn one Wonkette post in your honor. Enjoy your moment, Jim; you won't get another one.