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Hey Alaska's real-life Congressman Don Young, what can you tell kids these days about suicide? It’s their fault because they are bad friends, and also the government handouts are doing it too? Yeah, pretty much.


An unapologetic U.S. Rep. Don Young on Wednesday wasn't backing down from statements he made Tuesday at Wasilla High School that suicide shows a lack of support from friends and family. […] Asked about the “lack of support” comment, Young expanded on it and added that suicide in Alaska didn’t exist before “government largesse” gave residents an entitlement mentality

Then Don Young forfeited his federal government paycheck, pension and crackerjack health insurance because all that largesse was making him feel like nobody really cared about him.

Just kidding, he didn’t do this because goldurnit, he earned all that over a long career of threatening to murder people who touch him, doing physical violence to people who try to stop him from using the wrong door (VIDEO), calling people “wetbacks,” going to bat for monkey slavers, and more, all for the low, low price of whatever dignity Alaska ever aspired to.

According to multiple staff members at the Wasilla high school where Rep. Young did his third-rate Emile Durkheim impression, the congressman also managed to call one of the students either “asshole” or “smartass.” We be it was “smartass” because Don Young is 81 years old.

Despite all this, Don Young is still not such a prominent avatar of foolishness as Louie Gohmert or Michele Bachmann, probably thanks to his nondescript name. If it was something like Rep. Corgy Funkpeter, he'd probably get a lot more recognition for all the hard work he obviously puts into being objectionable to most Americans.

FUN DON YOUNG GAME: What other social ills can we explain Don Young style, i.e., by blaming them on something unrelated that Don Young doesn’t like?

Racism: Candy stores don’t have the good candy from when we were kids anymore.

Domestic violence: Neighbor’s lawn is a disgrace.

Corruption: Rappers.

Poverty: Bisexuals.

Sexism: Everything’s made in China nowadays GOLDURNIT.

Don Young is the kind of congressman who makes you think his constituents sent him to Washington to get rid of him.

Follow Alex on Twitter, for freedom!

[ADN / YouTube-NBC News / Emile Durkheim's book's Wikipedia pageADN / Don Young's Wikipedia page]

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