Get A Load Of This Dan Crenshaw Asshole And His Ad 'For' Kelly Loeffler And The Other One

Get A Load Of This Dan Crenshaw Asshole And His Ad 'For' Kelly Loeffler And The Other One

Texas Congressman Dan Crenshaw wants to be an action hero.

How do we know this? Because he just released a new ad fantasia to support the Georgia runoff election of (alleged) insider trader Kelly Loeffler and empty suit/podium David Perdue for the United States Senate, starring himself! The new ad, "Georgia: Reloaded," is what would happen if Michael Scott made Threat Level Midnight into an actual political ad

It starts with Dan Crenshaw on Nov. 3, 2020, giving his acceptance speech at what can be assumed is a spare conference room at a Holiday Inn before they were kicked out by the cleaning staff.

Crenshaw is then interrupted by Lone Survivor Marcus Luttrell to get an Aaron Sorkin-style walk and talk briefing with GOP Texas Congressman Kevin Brady. The timeline gets timey, wimey as it seems this happened on Election Night but the runoff was not determined until much later.

It is then that we get the return of Crenshaw's fantasy as we are shown out-context clips of Sen. Chuck Schumer, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez & Vice President-elect Kamala Harris multiple times, narrated by discount F.R.I.D.A.Y. from the Iron Man movies, to show who Crenshaw (and the GOP) are actually running against rather than candidates who are actually up for the Georgia runoff.

There is one sprinkling of footage of Jon Ossoff (with his name blurred out in all the signs) to show the vaguest sign that this involves Georgia and that he's NOT a total bigot or misogynist (barely).

We are then treated to Crenshaw's second favorite stunt: Skydiving/faux HALO jumps.

As he descends, discount F.R.I.D.A.Y. (because nothing screams American patriot like a British voiced A.I.) gives Crenshaw a report of "Antifa" waiting at the drop zone to ambush him.

Of course this raises questions: How sophisticated is Antifa or piss poor at operational security is Crenshaw's mission team that they had the intel to intercept him?

And why are they carrying a glossy headshot photo of Dan Crenshaw?

The answer is because this a rightwing fantasy where Antifa is both the most dangerous enemy yet somehow the most inept. Exemplified more by the "comedic" Antifa duo (where did the rest of the squad go?) in a pick-up truck waiting for Crenshaw to land.

Crenshaw, because he is so super badass, elects to face them head-on rather than divert his landing to a safer postion that would allow him to flank them or ambush them in return. It is then we get Crenshaw's favorite money shot, the "Superhero Landing."

Crenshaw loves this pose but it's such an overused trope, it's been already mocked & parodied years ago by an actual funny superhero.

The ad ends with Antifa Laurel and Hardy screaming...

... as Crenshaw smashes their windshield with his fist...

... followed by boken glass images of Kelly Loeffler, David Purdue and Dan Crenshaw himself...

... as they announce their amazing (checks notes) Walton County GOP Rally.

Walton County being the closest county they could get to democratic Georgia counties in the Atlanta area without worrying about pesky minorities overwhelming their white majority rally. Because nothing says "We're gonna take Georgia back" or "We don't fear anyone" like having a rally as close as possible to where most voters in Georgia live while being in the middle of nowhere. Sounds about white for GOP cowards.

But this cringeworthy ad is a sequel of sorts to his "Texas: Reloaded" ad for the 2020 election:

Considering that the election results showed that Crenshaw's Brotherhood of Evil GOP went 3-2 on their win/loss ratio in 2020 election, not sure these ads have the effect he thinks they do on results.

They do, however, feed into military fantasies and cosplay for Republicans too unfit or chickenshit to actually serve while they have "support our troops" bumper stickers next to their truck nuts. Because that is really what people like Dan Crenshaw or Marcus Luttrell or Chris Kyle really do for Republicans: They allow them celebrate their military actions, they can ignore the lying to get us into war or the piss poor way they treat veterans once they come home or smearing and covering sexual assaults like Crenshaw himself has. They are props to be used to sell horrible GOP policies or to create fake outrage when Saturday Night Live gently jokes about them.

The same way Raphael Warnock's religion can be attacked after crying about non-existent attacks on Amy Covid Barrett's, the same way they can lionize Crenshaw while insulting Tammy Duckworth or Pete Buttigieg's military service.

The Republican Party doesn't care about the military unless they can use them, with the help of assclowns from ultra gerrymandered districts like that of Dan Crenshaw, the unseasoned Nick Fury of the Republican Party.

I'll take either of these over Dan Crenshaw

Georgia, early voting has begun! GO VOTE!

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Michael Mora

Your friendly neighborhood Puerto Rican Political Freelance Writer for @wonkette. Pop Culture observer, Amateur Movie reviewer & Comics fan. Former Active Duty Marine. All opinions are mine only.


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