Conservatives Aren't Happier Than Liberals After All, But They Are Liars. It's Science!

• We all know what the studies say, right? Conservatives get dumber every time they watch Fox News. Liberals get unhappier every time they roll out of bed in their mom's basement and smoke a bowl for brunch. If conservatives would stop praying for whores outside abortion clinics, they might know some things that are actually true. And if liberals would embrace Ronald Reagan as their personal lord and savior, they'd be all smiley faces and happy dancing. But oh! What is this? It's another study, and it does not bode well for our conservative "friends," bless their sad shriveled hearts:

  Conservatives are happier than liberals, or so decades of surveys that ask about life satisfaction would suggest.

  The existence of a so-called ideological happiness gap is so well established that recently social scientists have mostly tried to explain it.

  But a new series of studies questions the gap itself, raising the possibility that although conservatives may report greater happiness than liberals, they are no more likely to act in ways that indicate that they really are happier.

  But but but but -- but happier-than-thou conservatives are always with the "Yay! Life is awesome! We are so frickin' happy, thank you Jesus Thomas Jefferson!" So it must be true, right? Ha, nope:

  “What our evidence suggests is that it’s limited to self-reports of subjective well-being,” Professor [Peter] Ditto said. The article appears in the March 13 issue of the journal Science.

  In fact, when behaviors rather than self-reports were examined, liberals seemed to have a small but statistically significant happiness edge.

  So what's with conservatives talking about how capitalism and the death penalty and tax cuts for the rich gives them all-day-every-day joy boners?

  In their report, the researchers note that the ideology gap, while thoroughly established over the years, was based on a single methodology: asking people how happy they are.

  But such self-reports, they argue, are susceptible to people’s habit of evaluating themselves in an unrealistically positive manner, a tendency that psychologists call self-enhancement.

  Ohhh. So conservatives "self-enhance" their responses about how happy they are, but their behavior and not-so-smiley-after-all faces indicate that they are delusional and/or lying. Wow, are we surprised. Conservatives are not happier than liberals, after all. But they're still plenty dumb.

• Who among us doesn't want the right to be naked while boozing in public?

  #Nudenotlewd.

  That’s the hashtag being used by a gaggle of activists petitioning to reinstate the clothing-optional policy at a popular gay-friendly bar in New Orleans.

  For over 35 years, the Country Club has been popular haunt for gay travelers. It first opened in 1977 and boasts a large saline pool, hot tub, sauna, deck, garden, two bars, and a restaurant. But perhaps the club’s biggest selling feature has always been its clothing-optional policy. Until recently, that is.

• Now you can profit from your privilege!

• Do you want to know what the Duggars are doing right now, besides makin' more babies, for the Lord? Our friends at Happy Nice Time People catch us up:  

  How’d you like to learn three sentences worth of information about Michelle Duggar’s formative years spread out over thirty minutes of television? You’re in luck, because it’s high school reunion time on 19 Kids & Counting . [...]

  Ma Duggar is bringing her hubby and a random assortment of offspring to the family-friendly luncheon. “I’m a fucking celebrity, bitches! Bow down before me!” she shouts as she enters the banquet hall. Nah, instead she brags to the camera about how awe-inspiringly humble she is, and that’s not even a joke.

• You're drinking too much bourbon:  

  That is, unless scientists can build a whiskey time machine, a way to gracefully cheat the slow aging process that offers bourbon its rich oaky tones and sweet and smooth finish.

  The popularity of bourbon in the past decade has been a major high and hangover for American distillers. (The name “bourbon” is reserved for barrel-aged whiskeys made primarily of corn in the United States) In 2002, the U.S. sold 13 million cases of bourbon; in 2014, 19 million cases, generating $2.7 billion in revenue. But the popularity and the time bourbon takes to mature, paired with a shortage of new American oak barrels that traditional whiskeys are aged in, means there simply isn’t enough of the good stuff to go around. Evidence of a shortage is generally delivered in anecdotes, but in an independent opinion survey taken this year by Fred Minnick, booze blogger and author of Whiskey Women: The Untold Story of How Women Saved Bourbon, Scotch & Irish Whiskey , 82 percent of 149 high-end bourbon drinkers said they have been unable to find bourbons they once found.

•  Discuss: