Donate

I CAN SAY TERRISM YET?


The Fox News Couch of Knicker-Jizzing Hysteria was in full effect Thursday morning. Andrea Tantaros, Meghan McCain, and whatever the other ones' names are yapped at each other, because the latest press conference on the San Bernardino shootings was about to start, and they were certain the police chief guy and the FBI guy finally were going to say “terrorists” and “EW MUSLIN” and “ISIS,” and SQUEEEEEEEE! This is all so exciting.

[contextly_sidebar id="kTKuUmNg1szl3IpB9qYmnXWBA4Nx3TR5"]

That did not happen. Here is your latest fact-filled, speculation-free update on the San Bernardino investigation (click here for our earlier update):

  • The number of victims killed remains at 14; the number of wounded has been raised to 21, according to San Bernardino Police Chief Jarrod Burguan. Two officers were injured in the shootout that killed the suspects. Both are expected to make full recoveries.
  • Authorities have NOT identified a motive yet. In fact, here is Chief Burguan’s exact quote: “Nothing definitive that we have right now that points to a motive.” FBI Assistant Director David Bowdich added that it is still “premature to call this terrorism.” So hold on to your dicks, Fox, as if you weren’t already doing that anyway.
  • The third person, who was detained Wednesday near the scene of the shootout, is neither a suspect, nor a person of interest. That person, who has not been identified, was in the wrong place at the wrong time, was picked up and questioned, and ruled out as having anything to do with the shooting. But, dumb luck, that individual had an outstanding warrant for some misdemeanor and ended up busted for that. Finally, justice for stealing that package of basmati rice or whatever!
  • Authorities confirmed that the suspects, Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik, were married and that he brought her to the United States, from Saudi Arabia, in July 2014. She was here on a K-1 visa and had a Pakistani passport.
  • The suspects had a SHITLOAD of ammunition on them, 1600 rounds in the SUV alone.
  • There were definitely explosives at the crime scene, which Chief Burguan described as "3 pipe bombs combined into 1." He confirmed that the remote control detonator "appears not to have worked."
  • Authorities found 12 pipe bombs and “hundreds of tools” that could be used to build explosive devices at the Redlands house.
  • You may have heard on (wait for it!) FOX NEWS that the shooters were wearing GoPro cameras. The rumors are spreading throughout the internets. However,  Chief Burguan said there is “no evidence that they were wearing any cameras of any sort.” Sorry, internet!
  • The Ford Expedition the suspects were driving was a rental, with Utah license plates, and was supposed to be returned Thursday. Don’t think it’s coming back due to “full of holes” and “evidence.” Sorry, Enterprise or whomever!

Chief Burguan disappointed Fox News and eager journalists everywhere when he refused to provide further details or guess as to motive, saying: "I want to be as accurate as we possibly can.” FBI Assistant Director Bowdich added that he would “much rather be slower and correct with the information that comes out to you,” as opposed to fucking it all up.

PFFFFFT, it's like they care about the truth or something.

Anyway, sorry, Fox News! If it turns out that this is absolutely, for real, Islamofascisunistical terrorism, the authorities will let us know when THEY know, and then yr Wonkette will write it up, and Fox News can feel free to use us as a source.

That goes for you too, Daily Beast, but we'll get to that IN OUR NEXT STORY. (That was #foreshadowing, in case you didn't catch it.)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc