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DC Sloths Can't Stop Complaining About Broken Escalators

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This smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers was just bitching soloudly because the escalator at the Shaw metro stop was "broken" yesterday. He was a grown man eating a candy bar, which is against The Subway Rules in the first place, and his too-pretty-for-him girlfriend was in those weird ballet shoes with the Neverending Story medallions on them. (Why is this a thing now?) She nodded her head in taut agreement when he said the outage was “ridiculous,” and you could tell theirs was one of those relationships with a severe pleasure imbalance in the bedroom.


It wasn’t the first time I’ve heard that sort of whining either. I’ve seen DC residents of all kinds -- maybe even you! -- get totally up in arms about this supposed scourge of non-working escalators. The Express, that thing you do Sudoku in and then throw in the garbage next to your desk, even had a cover story about the broken escalator problem a few months back. What? Hey, doofs, listen in: There’s no such thing as a “broken” escalator, because a broken escalator is called “stairs.” Ever heard of stairs?

I’m from Arizona, where people will only stop devouring cheese enchiladas and getting DUIs to rant about sending away the “Messicans,” so I’m quite familiar with the depths of grossness to which human beings can sink. But this is some next-level shit, and it speaks to a much bigger problem. That is, if you complain because you have to walk up and down stairs in order to access a clean, efficient, cheap, reliable, major public transportation network, you’re a jerk, and you shouldn’t be in a city. Jerks enter the train before anyone’s had a chance to get off. Jerks keep Great Danes as big as ponies in their walkup apartments even though that freaking dog needs an acre of land at least to feel sane. Jerks don’t stop talking on the phone while interacting with people in the service industry. Jerks act as if the whole world is theirs, which just doesn’t gibe with being crammed on top of one another in a major city.

All you jerks should quit bellyaching and move to some flyover grassland where everything is flat and quiet and normal-looking and convenient. You can drive your car places and, if you choose your home and restaurants carefully, you’ll never have to go up a flight of stairs again. Then, at night, you can masturbate to people’s vacation pics on Facebook before crying and going to bed, like the jerk you are.

I should have seen this sort of thing coming when all the toilets started flushing themselves. Are we truly so slothful and disgusting that our engineers must build robots to flush away our waste? Even common cats try to cover their turds when they’ve done their business. But not us, boy. Not us. We are too tired from complaining about the escalator.

Cord Jefferson's column usually appears Thursdays on Wonkette, unless he turns it in late because he's too busy doing a stripper pole dance on the Metro while calling everybody "jerks." Also he is always on the Twitter.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

Keep reading... Show less
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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.

UPDATE:

Martin apparently bought the gun after successfully applying for an Illinois state Firearms ID. That license was revoked after he applied for a concealed carry license and was rejected due to his prior felony conviction in Mississippi, but no one bothered to see if he still had a gun.

Via USA Today:

"During the fingerprinting and background process it was discovered that he had a felony conviction for aggravated assault out of Mississippi," [Police Chief Kristen] Ziman said. "It should be noted that this conviction would not have shown up on a criminal background check conducted for an FOID card."

That seems like it might be a problem, no?

It has also since been revealed that Martin had a domestic battery arrest in 2008 in Aurora.

[Sun-Times]

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