IDEA: What If Trump Was 'Rush Limbaugh,' Instead Of 'President'?
In 2016, before Russia and James Comey helped Donald Trump "win" the presidency in the world's most disastrous fluke to date, word on the street was that Trump thought he was going to lose, didn't much want to do the actual job of president anyway — and he hasn't! — and that what he really wanted was to start a Trump TV network, to keep his lie-grifting movement alive, and to serve his starving and desperate need for constant attention.
Throughout his presidency, he got that with his constant Hee-Haw Hitler rallies. But then coronavirus happened, and he can't do rallies, so he's turned his daily coronavirus briefings into a rally substitute. Zero actual information is imparted that has anything to do with saving lives in this pandemic, but hey, he says dumb shit that distracts America from his constant failures. The ratings are YOOGE!
But it turns out Trump had another idea at the beginning of March, for something he'd like to spend three hours doing each day in lieu of actually doing his fucking job and saving Americans from the pandemic: He wanted to do a call-in radio show, at White House!
As the New York Times tells it, Trump waddled into the Situation Room in early March for a task force meeting. He never goes to those — boooooooring, not enough coronavirus maps to draw dicks on probably — but he went that time because he had IDEA. What if, instead of president-ing, he did a radio show, AT WHITE HOUSE! You see, radio show, "Mr. Trump excitedly explained," would be fun! He could talk to people on the phone, about coronavirus! Maybe he could tell them about the Russia hoax and about how F-35 airplanes are literally invislble? They could talk about which picture is "camel," and how many cases of coronavirus there are in "Nipple"! Wonkette is just spitballing here, but all of our ideas sound pretty great, don't they?
But there was just one small snag.
But that Saturday, almost as suddenly as he proposed it, the president outlined one reason he would not be moving forward with it: He did not want to compete with Rush Limbaugh.
Oh, that would be very bad indeed!
No one in the room was sure how to respond, two of the officials said. Someone suggested hosting the show in the mornings or on weekends, to steer clear of the conservative radio host's schedule.
MORNINGS?! Fuck you in your surly mouth! Trump couldn't possibly do it in "mornings" because of his busy "watching 'Fox & Friends' and playing on Twitter" schedule. WEEKENDS?! Those are for golf. The only good time is afternoons, but Rush Limbaugh is on then, and millions of America's most irrelevant humans crave the daily dulcet cooing of Rush Limbaugh, actual Presidential Medal Of Freedom Recipient.
What is an attention-starved dumbshit president to do, WHAT WILL HE DOOOOOOOOO?????????
Well, he started relying more on his daily coronavirus rallies, that's one thing he did.
But there is hope on the horizon ("hope"), because Rush Limbaugh said on his radio show yesterday that Trump can have his show anytime he wants. It makes sense. Trump lies about coronavirus to impressionable idiots, Limbaugh lies about coronavirus to impressionable idiots, it is all the same audience of impressionable idiots.
Noted journalism website WorldNetDaily reports on Limbaugh's offer:
"If the president wants to do this — if he wants to come on and have a show — we'll let him do it," Limbaugh said on his national broadcast Wednesday.
"I'm here making it known — and I will call later, too — but I'm doing it here, making it known that this program is available to the president if he wants to audition, if he wants to use it for a town hall, if he wants to have direct connect with you, that we got it handled."
"We could do it noon to three for as long as he wants. He could have direct connect with you in the audience. You know, not a bunch of bureaucrat experts up on the stage, and certainly no journalists choosing the questions or any of that. We'll do it in a different way than anybody's ever done town halls or any of that stuff."
PFFFT SCOFF PSHAW, Rush! We are pretty sure Trump has already passed his "audition" with flying colors.
Consider how Limbaugh and Trump are basically the same person: Limbaugh is very mad at unelected alleged so-called health "experts" like Dr. Anthony Fauci, who keep trying to make us not die with their quote-unquote science. Trump is mad at that too! Limbaugh is very mad at Rod Rosenstein's Deep State CDC sister, for hurting Trump by saying coronavirus was gonna be real bad. Trump got mad at that too!
The Times reports some things Limbaugh has said about coronavirus this very week:
On Monday, Mr. Limbaugh argued that the "shutdown" was "a political effort to get rid of Donald Trump in the election this November" — as well as a Democratic ploy to "keep people fed without them having to go to work" and to "fine them for going to church."
Yep, those are definitely some #CoronaFacts, and we are pretty sure Trump agrees with every one of them. He is the PERFECT host for the Rush Limbaugh show.
And Rush Limbaugh knows it:
"Donald Trump is one of the few who could fill my shoes. With proper training and proper instruction, I could see that. ... I think there'd be nobody better to fill my shoes than Donald Trump. I've often said nobody could, but if anybody could, it would be him."
OK, now Rush has lost us with this notion of Donald Trump accepting "training and instruction." That's dumb.
Everything else about this idea is just perfect, though, and as a bonus, MSNBC and CNN wouldn't be inclined to interrupt coverage for three hours of braindead talk radio a day, so it wouldn't bother normal Americans one bit. And Trump would probably be too tired to do his corona-lingus pressers afterward. All of this is win-win, we think.
Hey, maybe if Trump likes it enough, he can resign in disgrace and become the new permanent host of the Rush Limbaugh show. You know, if Miss America ends up unable to fulfill her duties for some reason.
We are just saying.
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