COVID-19 Moves Into White House, Takes Office Down The Hall From Trump

COVID-19 is taking root in the White House. Apparently, it thrives in a corruption-rich environment. It also helps that most of the Trump administration is too stupid to wear masks or physical distance worth a damn. Vice President Mike Pence's spokesperson, Katie Miller, tested positive for the coronavirus, and she even took the precaution of marrying Stephen Miller this year in a black mass ceremony. Maybe they used the wrong kind of altar. Satan's particular about the details.

One of Donald Trump's personal valets tested positive, as well as Ivanka Trump's personal assistant, who helps the president's daughter stay on top of all that nothing she does. There's so much coronavirus spreading around you'd think the White House was a meat-processing plant.

During an interview Sunday on CBS's "Face the Nation," Kevin Hassett, a top economic adviser to the president, admitted that it's “scary to go to work" these days. And not just because Trump is there.

HASSETT: I think that I'd be a lot safer if I was sitting at home than I would be going to the West Wing. It's a small, crowded place. It's, you know, it's a little bit risky. But you have to do it because you have to serve your country.

Here's where we ask an incredibly obvious question: Why isn't most of the White House staff teleworking? West Wing walk-and-talks made for gripping television 20 years ago, but they're not effective for containing the coronavirus.

The West Wing 1x04 - Longest walk and talk

Trump's entire approach to COVID-19 is to pretend it doesn't exist, and this practice has only helped turn the White House into a coronavirus hotspot. The timing is not ideal because Trump and his Republican stooges are encouraging states to reopen businesses despite not meeting standards set in Trump's own federal guidelines.

The president himself is a vain, science-denying, spoiled brat, who personally refuses to wear a mask or keep his distance from others, including 1,000-year-old veterans whose supposed “purity" of spirit Trump thinks will prevent them from becoming literal spirits thanks to his boneheadedness.

When Trump met with two dozen House Republicans Friday to discuss the Great Depression! revival he's producing, no one in attendance wore a mask or sat six feet apart. Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, who'd probably sprayed himself with his anti-corona cologne, assured a skeptical media that everyone had tested negative for the virus and was free to bare face like God intended.

GOHMERT: I do want to advise our media friends before they write stories about how we didn't wear masks and we didn't possibly socially distance adequately, that you saw to it that we had tests, and that nobody in here had the coronavirus unless it's somebody in the media.

So the only reason we would wear masks is if we were trying to protect ourselves from you in the media. And we're not scared of you. So that's why we can be here like this

Wearing a mask during the COVID-19 pandemic doesn't mean you're “scared" of other people. Gohmert sounds like the asshole boyfriend in the teen AIDS Afterschool Special who insisted he shouldn't have to wear a condom if his girlfriend “loved and trusted" him. Her dumb ass actually listened to this dumber ass and she ended up a teenager with AIDS.

Saturday, the official White House Twitter posted a photo of Trump endangering his entire national security team. Unlike Elvis, the coronavirus has not left the building, guys.

A senior White House official reportedly told CBS News that people are tested for COVID-19 just before meeting with Trump or Pence. Everyone tested negative and because the tests are never wrong, there was no need for any added security measures when senior leadership gathered in a cramped, coronavirus-compromised space.

Meanwhile, the man who is president for the next 253 days doesn't even sound that confident about the tests.

TRUMP: The tests are perfect but something can happen between a test where it's good and something happens.

Yeah, that was an actual quote.

COVID-19 coming within cuddling distance of Trump doesn't appear to have changed his reckless attitude. Trump was “spooked" and “lava-level mad" that his valet, who serves his food, doesn't wear a mask. His concern for his valet's health is underwhelming.

And he was annoyed to learn that Ms. Miller tested positive and has been growing irritated with people who get too close to him, the official said.

All those sick people sure are annoying! No one expects Trump to give a damn about anyone but himself, but you'd think his primal self-preservation would at least overrule his vanity.

Put on a damn mask.

[The New York Times / "Face The Nation" transcript]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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