Crazy Armageddon Family Commits Difficult Reverse-Double Elian Gonzalez Triple-Axel, Kidnaps Kids, Flees To Cuba

Crazy Armageddon Family Commits Difficult Reverse-Double Elian Gonzalez Triple-Axel, Kidnaps Kids, Flees To Cuba

Well, it is not Beyonce and Jay-Z refusing to meet with hunger-striking political prisoners and getting yelled at by Republican congresscritters for touring Cuba, which is still considered by our government one of four "state sponsors of terrorism," but at least thisbizarre CNN story about a whacked out guns-&-ammo-&-narcotics-&-Armageddon dad and his wifey who kidnapped their toddlers after tying up the boys' grandmother and fleeing to Cuba on their 25-foot-sailboat finally explains to us why Cuba is still considered one of four state sponsors of terrorism, so at least that is something! Also, Cuba is cooperating with American officials at the US Special Interests Section who are looking for the family, even though the story includes this weird dumb non sequitur half-forgotten headline fragment, because of course it does:

Fla. Rep.: Castro gives criminals refuge Search for kidnapped kids leads to Cuba

Anyway, let us look more at this story even though there is not a single "diva" celebrity in it, and also have some good times in the ol' wayback machine to when Elian Gonzales was the undisputed Beeblebroxian center of the Universe and Everything.

So there is this dude named Josh Hakken, and he does not sound very stable, because of how he and his wife want to take their children "to Armageddon" and showed up at the boys' foster home with a gun and then later kidnapped the boys from their grandma, whom Hakken and his wife had tied up, like we said before.


And then they sailed the ocean blue to Castro's Cuba, where, according to Miami Congresschick Ileana Ros-Lehtinen,

"Unfortunately, these parents and these poor children, these innocent ones, will now be in a country where there are no laws, there is no redress, and that has been a refuge for fugitives and wanted criminals for many years," Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, R- Florida, told CNN.

Oh JESUS Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, shut your blubbering fool mouth, the Cubans are already cooperating quit yer fucking crocodile tears.

Apparently there are still about 70 American fugitives laying low in Cuba, which is why they are still considered a state sponsor of terrorism (thank you CNN for finally clarifying that for us), even though we let Luis Posada Carriles march in Cuban Pride parades in Miami even though he blowed up a airplane, so, maybe we are even-stevens, and also why haven't we nuked Canada?

So that is where that stands. Crazy family. Cuba helping us find them. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen being bullshit, as usual.

Now let's hop into the Wayback Machine and remember the glorious days of 2000, before the glorious days of really late 2000, and pretty much simultaneous with the feeding frenzy (heh) surrounding Terri Schiavo. It was a good time to be a cable network, is what we are saying!

Back then, some asshole lady willfully endangered her son by putting him on a raft from Cuba to Miami that was so perilous she died on the way. And the son's dad was all, ummm, hey, US, my crazy ex has kidnapped my son and turned him over to vulgar Miami Cubans who are now dressing him like a little Scarface, but with Oakleys, a little help here?

And the world went INSANE. All those folks who had previously made fun of Hillary for "It Takes A Village" and who always asserted that family knows best were AGAINST returning this kidnapped boy to his dad, because "freedom." And somehow Al Gore ended up getting bullshitted to death by this because the Attorney General had sent some dudes on a raid to get Elian from his meshuggeneh relatives, and they did it at night, with big weapons, which was some pretty bad optics, and so this was all Al Gore's fault, because why not and also probably Janet Reno is a lesbian or something.

But what the frothing Miami Cubans and their friends in the GOP did not understand was that every divorced dad in the country -- all those ones who are often Republicans, like cops and firemen -- thought they were a dick. Every single one of them said one sentence only: "That boy belongs with his father." We know, because we asked them.

Yes, all of them.

And then Schiavo happened (or maybe she happened before, it is all pretty hazy) and the GOP did the exact same thing: they riled up a small band of loyalists while totally misreading the fact that everyone in the country believed her husband should be making her medical decisions, and no, no one was too het up that after like 14 years or whatever of his wife being in a vegetative state, that nice man had a girlfriend.

Oddly, the percent of Americans who agreed with the GOP in both cases was identical: 31 percent.

Which is not really enough to build a winning culture war on, but hey, GOP, keep doing like you do.

Also, we never tire of remembering the sharp-suited Afro-Cuban guys at the Silver Lake French restaurant, who told us Castro kills you if you don't vote for him, followed by the Salvadorean bartender who leaned over and murmured, "Miami Cubans are bullshit," and then bought us a strawberry daiquiri. And then bought us another.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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