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NO WHORE GORILLAS ALLOWED.


Well, well, well, what a week it's been with all these Helpful Wingnut Americans sharing their opinions on Harambe the silverback gorilla, whether he shoulda got shot, whether the mother of the child who fell into the gorilla enclosure is simply an unfit mother, or whether she's also a known black lady, who is also an unfit mother. (SPOILER: for wingnuts, it is the second thing.)

Rush Limbaugh helpfully offered his argument for why Harambe's death completely disproves evolution -- because if evolution is real, Harambe wouldn't have even been a gorilla! And now we have Ken Ham, the Australian creationist dingbat who's building that Ark Encounter theme park in Kentucky, where children and adults alike can go to learn THE REAL TRUTH about how Noah's ark was full of Jesus dinosaurs.

Ham has thoughts on the gorilla. BIBLE thoughts. He lists four Bible verses, and explains how they apply to how zookeeping:

[S]in has affected the entire universe and all life, including the behavior of gorillas!

Rumor has it some gorillas even like to make gay sex at each other. Is it because of science? NO SILLY, it is because Eve (who was real, dammit!) ate a piece of fruit from the Tree Of Buttfucking Knowledge, which infected the whole universe with gay. Or something.

The young boy (unlike the gorilla, which is just an animal) is made in the image of God and is a human being who has a soul that will live forever.

That monkey's NOT gone to heaven, is what he's saying. The boy MIGHT get to go, as long as he becomes a young earth creationist. No for real, Ham actually says later that he "hopes" the kid accepts Jesus one day, because you know what happens otherwise. (HELL, IT IS HELL.)

(And yes, dorks with no sense of humor, we know gorillas are not "monkeys." Go the fuck away.)

We cannot impose human emotion/morality on a gorilla -- it is not made in the image of God. We should not anthropomorphically assume that the gorilla's decency would have kept him from harming the boy in the enclosure had the zoo professionals not intervened so quickly.

Never mind how scientists have studied animals -- including the ones that allegedly pooped and fucked on Noah's ark! -- and found that many of them have emotion and a sense of right and wrong, especially apes. Those are liberal lies, because how can you even know right or wrong if you don't have a pissed off God breathing down your back, telling you what to do?

(We are not saying what the zoo did was wrong or right, just jamming a stick in the eye of Ken Ham's idiot-ass logic.)

Because we live in a fallen world, sin has affected everything, including gorillas and three-year-olds.

We guess he's saying that all gorillas and three-year-olds are whore strumpets in their own way.

Ham concludes his Bible Reasons by stating that THEREFORE, since that gorilla was just an animal "accursed by sin," we should protect the kid.

Which ... how the fuck do we need Bible Reasons to tell us to protect that kid?!

Oh here's why! Because you, who are godless scum just like that gorilla, probably haven't even thought of how this ties into abortion:

It's also a reminder to me of the people who complain about an animal dying but inconsistently support or condone the murdering of 58 million children by abortion in America since Roe v. Wade!

Because that's the same.

This concludes Bible Study with Ken Ham. Now if there are any here who are not 100% certain they will go to heaven when they die (at the hands of an evil slut gorilla, or of natural causes), please come down to the altar and pray this magic prayer ...

[Answers In Genesis]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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FINALLY. Of course, we say "finally," because we haven't been behind the scenes in the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees to witness the negotiating and wrangling firsthand, so we don't know what it's taken to make this happen, but clear your calendars for July 17, because Bobby Mueller is goin' to Congress!

Committee chairs Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler sent the letter late yesterday, accompanied by a subpoena, for Mueller to testify at 9 a.m. Eastern on July 17, which is a Wednesday, so you will presumably not be busy with brunch. The hearings for each committee will be back to back, after which members of Mueller's staff will meet with committee staff behind closed doors.

Schiff told Rachel Maddow last night that it should not be viewed as a friendly subpoena, because as we all know, Mueller has been very reluctant to become the star of the political circus this will surely create. However, he's gonna have to suck it up, because as we all saw after what happened when Mueller addressed the nation for 10 whole minutes, there is great value in actually having Mueller breathe life into his own work, for an American audience that hasn't read his 448-page report. (And we don't blame them/you! We probably wouldn't have read it all if it wasn't our job. It would probably be on our "list," like "someday I am going to watch 'The Sopranos' start to finish finally. And then I will read the Mueller Report!")

Point is, it needs to happen on live TV, where people can gather around at work and on the train and in the Fantastic Sams while they gets their hair did, and let this highly respected public servant tell the story of how America's most hostile enemy attacked the 2016 election in order to help Donald Trump, how the Trump campaign was positively orgasmic over that reacharound, and how Trump criminally obstructed the investigation into that hostile foreign attack at every turn.

And because Robert Mueller is a patriotic American who respects the rule of law and our institutions, he will be complying with the subpoena, because of fucking course he will.

Right off the bat, we have a couple of questions:

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Beds at the 'temporary' shelter in Homestead, Florida. US HHS photo.

The House of Representatives passed a $4.5 billion emergency bill to fund detention of undocumented immigrants and asylum seekers yesterday, but the bill's demands that government meet minimal standards of humane treatment led Donald Trump to threaten a veto, because no one puts cruelty in a corner. The bill passed largely along party lines, 230-195, with four progressive Democratic first-term representatives opposing it because they believed the machinery of the New Cruelty shouldn't get a single dollar more. Trump prefers a bill already passed by the Senate, which would provide a similar level of funding $4.6 billion), but lacks the House bill's crazy radical requirements that migrants be held in less horrifying conditions than have been reported in the last week.

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