Wonkette baby has formed opinions.


Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and it is also August, which means the news is WEIRD and all the journalists who write the important stories about why everything is the Holocaust are on vacation, which means your top ten stories are ALL OVER THE PLACE. And only ONE of them is remotely related to Donald Trump, aren't you happy? Moreover, only ONE of them is about candidates in the 2016 Republican primary. Because really, fuck all those nerds.

So, let us sit together and look at the week's top stories, all of which are being judged by Wonkette baby, pictured above, judging people, but first, as usual, we will shake you down for your dollars. We have so many special things planned for you, so many secrets we are withholding, but we can't make our secrets come true without C-A-S-H. So can we ask you for $5, so that the secrets may be unleashed? Of course we can ask, we just did! Now you go visit this here page and say "I am interested in Wonkette secrets, here is my $5 admission fee, so that I may become a Wonkette Gnostic, who will one day be a keeper of the secrets." Now wasn't that easy? We love you very much and thank you for your cashes.

Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them for the first time!

1. We start out very sad, with Dok's story of the open carry enthusiast who assaulted his wife and killed his two toddler kids. Very sad, we're sorry, some of the other stories are funny.

2. In response to Donald Trump's gross wordmouth comments, Republicans started bleeding from their everywheres, and it was AWESOME.

3. Here, meet some Good Christian Fame Whores, who are probably also liars.

4. Megyn Kelly joked about her husband's dick that one time, so Donald Trump wins the argument, obviously.

5. Crystal dildos for your crunchy cooter! Crystal dildos for your crunchy cooter! You know you want some.

6. These nice Texas cops just wanted to reach into a black lady's vagina in public, that's all.

7. Last Sunday's deleted commenters wanted to know why Wonkette is so mean to the white supremacists, awww.

8. Lowe's Hardware very sorry about offering a segregated, whites-only delivery service, assures us that everyone involved has been super-fired.

9. Raise your glasses high for Jimmy Carter, that he may live forever.

10. If you've never seen the "pro-life" version of Masterpiece Theatre, you are missing the fuck out.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are some good stories about things!

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And have you heard of this new-ish thing, the Flipboard? It is so pretty! It pulls your Wonkette stories into beautiful sexxxy magazines for easy reading, and we are putting together collections, so you can enjoy, say, all your favorite Pat Robertson stories in one place, and like, such as. Anyway, go to the Flipboard and poke around, because we said so, you'll want to gay marry it within an hour.

Hey, you should also follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst,  @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are Bernie Sanders t-shirts and Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt! Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!

Anyway, going to brunch now, so get the fuck out.

Love,

Wonkette

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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