'Crying Nazi' Lawyer Knows What Comedy Is, And It Sounds Exactly Like 'Mein Kampf'

This is his lawyer you guys.

The saga of Christopher Cantwell the Crying Nazi continues. He's got himself a lawyer now, one Elmer Woodard, who showed up to court wearing an "early-1800s-style red waistcoat with gold buttons, bowtie, white muttonchop whiskers, black velcro shoes, and a a 1910s-style straw boater hat." Because that is exactly the kind of outfit one needs to be wearing when one is delivering closing arguments that start with "Now, I may not be a big city lawyer, but..."

Woodard, pictured above in the Ben Franklin cosplay, was Cantwell's fourth choice to represent him. The first three other lawyers he contacted were not interested in representing him. Wonder why!

Now, I am not a big city lawyer either, but it seems that Woodard is, in fact, a pretty terrible lawyer. Although Cantwell has already admitted to spraying a protester with pepper spray, he is trying to argue that maybe it was water.

He is also trying to claim that video of Cantwell talking about how much he hates the Jews and saying Heather Heyer deserved to get murdered is "hearsay," which I am pretty sure it is not. Again, not a lawyer, but I do watch a lot of Law and Order, so I feel pretty confident that a literal videotape of you saying something is not hearsay. Because it is you saying it, and not another person saying that you said it.

Amazingly, Woodard is claiming that Cantwell's whole Nazi schtick is just COMEDY. Comedy that we are all not hip enough to get.

Woodard then offered what he said was a quote by comedian Jackie Mason, saying that “take my wife, please"” was obviously not intended as a literal desire to kill or abandon a woman (the quote is actually from Henny Youngman). He compared Cantwell’s hate-filled monologues against Jews, blacks, Muslims, and other minorities on his podcasts to Mason.

Woodard said it was all a “shock jock” act.”

Jackie Mason, let us note, is quite Jewish.

Here, for no reason, is another picture of Woodard in cosplay.

Cantwell, for his part, is asking his supporters to not only send him money, but also to "monitor" his accusers online. In a jailhouse phone call with Unite The Right organizer Jason Kessler, Cantwell said he wants "everybody" to keep an eye on their social media accounts in case they talk about having "set him up."

Kessler: I know you brought up your accusers before, and tellin’ people not to go after them. I think that’s wise. But isn’t it right that people should look into these people and their social media, and see like if they’re cheering like, “Oh we set Cantwell up, blah blah blah” — we can present that in court. I think people should be monitoring their social media.

Cantwell: I 100% want everybody finding out everything they can about these people. Monitor their social media, archive their tweets, do everything you can to catch them in lies because they tell them all the time and they will be easy to catch because they’re very fucking bad at it.

He was, however, careful about saying he didn't want people "antagonizing" his accusers, comparing Charlottesville to Hitler getting arrested during his first attempted coup.

Well, and listen to me, I’m not even just trying to make a goddamn record here. You are not helping me or anybody else if you go and you antagonize these people, which — here’s what we need to do, okay? And this is — look, anybody that’s familiar with The Daily Stormer knows Andrew Anglin, okay? And he made a comparison of Charlottesville to the Beer Hall Putsch, okay? Now, in the Beer Hall Putsch, this is what ends up getting Hitler locked up for treason, okay? And he realized during the course of that that you had to do this legally. You could not take power by force. You have to go through the motions, you have to do things through the system because these people are too goddamn powerful.

Yes, the Nazis want to overthrow our government the right way, like Hitler did. Of course, if they really want to learn a lesson from Hitler's mistakes, they should probably consider the fact that he lost WWII and ended up committing suicide in an underground bunker. Maybe they should marinate on that for a while before they decide it's a good idea to try and follow in his footsteps?

[The Daily Beast | Angry White Men]

Don't give your money to Nazis, give your money to WONKETTE! Click click click on our tip jar below!

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc