The Daily Caller's Mark Judge is something of a genius, he wants you to know. This is a man who's pretty sureThe Blacks stole his bike and who finds metaphors for the "collapse of the old liberal order" in a base-ball player's "indolence." And now, if you have a moment, he would like to explain at you how the election of a new Pope proves that liberals are tremendous hypocrites who only pretend to care about "social justice," when in fact the only freedom they care about is the freedom to be disgusting sex perverts bent on enacting the sexual and political agenda of '60s radicals. All this is revealed in a column with the irresistible headline "The Revolutionary Orgasm." At least now we understand why everyone in our Marxist cell keeps saying "Come the Revolution."

Judge starts by saying that the selection of Pope Francis has "some on the left" pretty darn discombobulated, because

For decades they have been calling for a pope who is humble and cares about the poor. Now that they have one, they will finally be forced to admit that for them, true liberation has nothing to do with “social justice” — it’s always been about sex.

It's pretty neat how Judge dismisses the entire question of economic injustice with a wave of his hand like that! Never mind that he opposed liberation theology during Argentina's military dictatorship; Francis is definitely from the church's “please don’t murder poor people” wing, so yeah, he's a total radical like Barack Obama. And yet even though they agree with some things Francis says, libruls still disagree with him on other things? That must mean that they don't really care about that first thing! O, hypocrisy most ugly, huh?

In fact, crazy liberals have for some reason not liked any of the wonderful open-minded Popes, says Judge:

John Paul II was regularly denounced as an inflexible conservative, even as he wrote brilliant books about human sexuality like “Love and Responsibility.”

See? He wrote a brilliant book! Which argued that the church's traditional views on sexuality, contraception, abortion, and homosexuality were exactly right, and that Jebus only smiles upon sex between men and women in good Catholic marriages. And yet leftists called his conservative views "conservative!" Is there no pleasing these weirdos?

Judge excoriates Catholic liberals who think that everything is all about sex, sex, sex, because they call for "what liberals always call for: married priests, female priests, the end of celibacy, a looser view of human sexuality." We are glad to see that he has fingered (ha-ha!) "gender equality" for the sham that it is, because ordaining women as priests can only unleash dangerous lady parts all over Holy Mother Church. (Incidentally, those of us who were pulling for Your Editrix to be chosen as Pope advised her to keep the ban on women becoming priests, and extend it to men as well, which would in the long run make the Church a much better institution altogether.)

At the root of all this filthy-minded obsessing over sex, Judge claims, is a sick ideology of sexual liberation starting with "the Romantic cult of the early nineteenth century," and eventually becoming entwined with radical politics in the 1950s, through the writings of

communist, anarchist and atheist weirdo Wilhelm Reich [who] preached that “the sexual question must be politicized” and that the key to a healthy society is healthy orgasms.

Reich appears to be a sort of sexual Saul Alinsky, a guy who most liberals have never heard of but whose ideas we're slavishly devoted to:

His work was celebrated by men like Allen Ginsberg and Norman Mailer, but was largely popularized by three men: Paul Goodman, Norman O. Brown and Herbert Marcuse. According to historian Richard King, the three men “sought to combine a concern for instinctual and erotic liberation with political and social radicalism, cultural with political concerns.” Or as 1960s Yippie leader Jerry Rubin put it: “How can you separate politics from sex? It’s all the same thing. Puritanism leads us to Vietnam. Sexual insecurity results in a supermasculinity trip called imperialism.”

It's so true! We had a groovy rap session about this down at the Hungry I just the other day, right before we did our own thing, turned on, tuned in, and offed a pig!

Judge even flatters Your Wonkette with a shout-out to our central role in corrupting society:

It’s a direct line from Reich and Rubin to Dan Savage, Andrew Sullivan, Ana Marie Cox, the mainstreaming of porn, the modern movement for gay marriage and the strange liberal obsession with mocking sexual purity.

Well, OK, yeah, we do kind of enjoy doing that. Of course, we could also ask about the strange conservative obsession with everyone else's sexuality, now couldn't we? Judge insists that he is "a Catholic conservative who is far from perfect, who doesn’t really care what people do sexually," and that he is a wonderfully open-minded fellow who even supports civil unions for teh gheys, just as long as they do not steal away the sacred word "marriage," which is reserved for, you know, actual married people, because shut up is why. And yet, despite his live-and-let-live-as-long-as-I-don't-have-to-accept-you-people-as-really-human openness, poor Mark Judge is a victim of those mean libruls:

Yet liberals would call me an intolerant hater. Why? Because the conjugal union in marriage, and the orgasm, must be separated from the creation of life and put in the service of Reichian “freedom.” By convincing the culture that people like me are fools or insane, the left continue its long march toward freedom -- which will actually look a lot more like hell.

And trust him, you don't even want to know what kind of hell that would be, so Judge doesn't explain. But we bet it would involve men kissing and... doing things. (*shudder!*) But remember, Judge doesn't really care what people do sexually. And in fact, he doesn't need to know, because he is having a swell time enjoying his purity and attending meetings of the Junior Anti-Sex League!

There are times when I actually feel sorry for the libertine left. All that obsessive focus on one thing, and they’re constantly missing the best part. I’m not married, but what I understand from my friends who are is that sexual intimacy gets deeper and more satisfying as the love between two people deepens. Ultimately you are able to do what the Catholic Church teaches: make a total gift of yourself. And that way lies true bliss.

We feel compelled to point out that this does not sound like he is suffering from the effects of autoerotic asphyxia AT ALL.


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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