Daily Caller Warns: Liberals Gonna Claw Out Men's Eyes So They Can't Stare At Boobies
Leering homunculus Patrick Howley saw a link to a social science abstract somewhere (no, Mr. Howley, do not try to convince us that's from your casual reading) aboutthis study that seems to confirm that, yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as an "objectifying gaze" -- and decided, based on absolutely nothing in the abstract's description of the study, that the obvious result of such research is that liberals are going to outlaw men looking at women below the neck, because that's just how liberals do. But, but, but, he whines, he likes staring at boobies! And liberals want to ruin that, because they are addicted to regulating everything, including Patrick Howley's wandering eyes:
This is what the progressives exist to do. They take away our activities. If it’s an activity and it’s kind of fun or pleasurable, the progressives are going to take it away.
That’s the very basis of their personality type. They’re the regulators. The hall monitors.
We had never really thought of ogling mammalian protuberances as an "activity," and we're reasonably sure you can't get a merit badge or certification in it. Then again, maybe Patrick Howley owns a "Bikini Inspector" badge that he feels he's earned through years of study.
We're still trying to figure out why Howley even bothers mentioning the study, much less blockquoting a couple paragraphs from it, since his only use for it is to claim that it's
the kind of study MSNBC commentators can hold up when they’re talking about “rape culture.” Because men are just all Bashar al-Assad and sex is their chemical weapon. Fifty-one percent of the U.S. population is a victimized group now. Don’t you know? Women are like Indians now. You can’t give them a once-over, a polite grin, and be on your way. You can’t notice the fruits of their several-hour morning project of preparing themselves to be looked at. Pretty soon, looking at a woman’s chest will legally be a “hate” crime instead of a love crime.
Ooh, "love crime." That's good; we're going to remember to use that one. We also would like to let Mr. Howley know that if he's already standing on a slope covered with melting butter, he doesn't really need to wear those Teflon-coated skis. Speaking of which, Howley is really wedded to that "activity" metaphor:
Maybe catching a side glance of some cleavage on the subway isn’t for you. Fine. But for those of us who enjoy that, it’s one more thing that we’re allowed to do in this country. I’m not big on skiing, but if I see somebody walking down the street with some skis I’m cool with that. Why ban things that you might want to try sometime?
Ummmm. We think maybe that's a bit of a stretch, maybe? Does Patrick Howley have a bumper sticker what says "Ask me about checking out knockers"?
The point, however, is that this wholesome hobby is in great danger: some liberal is bound to come along and regulate it to death:
It’s already started. There was the Massachusetts secretary who sued her boss for staring at her breasts. There was the social media uproar when two tech conference presenters in San Francisco made a joke presentation for an app based on men’s desire to stare at breasts.
Hahaha, because c'mon, gals, if you're going to try to have a job in tech, you certainly can't also expect men to treat you as anything but a pair of nice knockers. Plus, if you insist on walking around while having those things, you can't honestly expect men not to look, long and hard, and imagine the luscious, smooth, soft yielding flesh of your... (be right back).
Still, what it really comes down to is Freedom, even if it's only the freedom to look longingly at a coworker's dirtypillows:
I’m not saying looking at tits is any kind of noble pursuit. But it’s one more freedom. It’s one more thing that has been allowed in this country since the time of James Madison and Thomas Jefferson. One more thing that we’re not going to be allowed to do in the progressive future.
And you know what else? A lot of women like it.
Ladies, we bet that means he's looking for an intern! Hubba hubba.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.