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NRA Hack Dana Loesch Cycles Through 5 Stages of Grift

Guns

Dana Loesch won't stop being horrible. After yet another school shooting, the NRA cheerleader has scrambled to pin the blame on anything that's not a gun or gun shaped. She's currently going through the five stages of grift.

Denial

Twitter

We think they're tired of being shot, Dana. Also you exploit people's fears for a living.

Twitter

"How did two kids gain access to guns when guns are fucking everywhere, thanks to people like me?" Lady, minors live with adults. That's how it works. Your moronic organization has even opposed bills requiring parents to lock up their guns in a safe so children can't get to them.

You wonder how kids smuggled handguns into a school. They probably hid them because handguns are easily concealed. (Colorado is a concealed carry state.) And also, they are guns. A heroic child tried to stop the shooters and was murdered for his trouble.

Oh, and therapy is not a "warning sign" of potential homicidal impulses, you heartless hack. You just slandered countless kids.


Anger

Dana's not giving up her guns because of some dead kids that aren't even hers. You can't make her. She has a constitutional right to self-defense. Living in a low-crime neighborhood with Simplisafe technology isn't enough. She needs her guns, damnit.

She's being sarcastic. Twitter

Jose Jimenez should also consider deleting their tweet, because it's gross. He compares gun control advocates to self-help shysters: "This shooting isn't a tragedy, it's an opportunity!"

Bargaining

Loesch just wants us to at least consider turning schools into prison-like environments so the people who own her soul can sell more guns. "C'mon, we've already fucked up concerts and most other public places."

Twitter

Loesch will even entertain your gun-grabbing arguments. She's not that close-minded. She just asks that you complete her pop quiz on Child Killing Phallus Replacements. And stop stalling with whiny complaints about all those death threats from other deranged gun owners.

Twitter

Depression

Poor Dana just plain broke down on "Fox & Friends" this morning. "There's something wrong with our youth everybody!" she exclaimed while wearing her "Smart Person" glasses. "There's something wrong with our culture." She can't understand why the kids today are so "evil" they can't just enjoy the ridiculously easy access to guns their peers regularly die for. Why must they kill people with the killing-people machines?

LOESCH: We're lacking a respect for life. We're lacking clear boundaries for our youth. We're lacking that solid family home.

Oh God, stop! Everything is terrible! No wonder we have to arm the populace.

Acceptance

Loesch has accepted that maligning the mentally ill is a good way to avoid giving an inch on any sensible gun regulations.

Twitter

Mentally ill people are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. Loesch and the gun-obsessed are looking for scapegoats. They won't accept the simple solution, which is restricting access to guns. Literally locking up the "weird kid" in school isn't going to prevent gun violence. It's also a far greater infringement on civil liberties than flat out getting rid of guns. Besides which -- and you never ever ever saw this coming -- the NRA has been fighting "red flag laws," which temporarily remove guns from people who may be a threat to themselves or others, for as long as it has been arguing the real problem is crazy people.

So that would be the sixth stage then: lying. Another million dollars please, if you have any left, NRA!

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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