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Move over, Mark Twain, because there's a new master of English-language political satire, and it is bespectacled she-troll Dana Loesch! It has been a while since Loesch graced us with her signature brand of satire. Thankfully, she is here with a new video to remind us all why conservatives suck at satire and why you avoided on-campus sketch comedy troupes when you were in college. Here's Dana's new video called "Jobs for Jihadis," it is very funny, and we think you will enjoy the film's high production values and smart writing. We will blockquote some of our favorite dialogue at you, because it is really clever.


Dana: What do you consider to be your most desirable job skill that you possess?

Jihadist 1: Oh, well...I'm good with a knife?

Dana: Oh! So perhaps I'm talking to a future world-class chef?

Jihadist 1: Not likely. At least not if the blood of the infidels isn't on the table! But seriously, I have seven wives that cook for me.

Oh ho ho ho! Have you stopped laughing yet? We have not, and we are wearing a hole in our jeans with all this thigh-slapping we are doing!

What was your favorite part, Wonkaderos? Was it the first "jihadist" ululating, because haw haw, they talk diff'rent than we do? Or was it the look in the second "jihadist's" eyes as he realizes his Arabic accent is more Kwik-E-Mart than Kobani? Perhaps, like us, you chortled at the idea of two murderous jihadists holding a lighthearted conversation with an unveiled woman, or at the fact that The Blaze was unable to convince a person of color to play the role of Dangerous Foreign-Sounding Other. We can't decide, help us out in the non-existent comments!

If you're wondering where this whole thing came from, that's probably because you spend all your time getting your news from places that aren't the right-wing rage-o-sphere. Within the rage-o-sphere, there is much spittle and many splotchy cheeks over recent comments from State Department spokesperson Marie Harf, who had the GALL to suggest that wars can be won with non-military means.

"We’re killing a lot of them and we’re going to keep killing more of them, so are the Egyptians, so are the Jordanians. They’re in this fight with us. But we cannot win this war by killing them, we cannot kill our way out of this war," Harf said. "We need, in the longer term, medium and longer term, to go after the root causes that lead people to join these groups, whether it’s lack of opportunity for jobs."

"We can work with countries around the world to help improve their governance. We can help them build their economies, so they can have job opportunities for these people."

Perhaps, Harf suggests, jihad will be a less attractive career path when it's contrasted with actual career paths. Perhaps, Harf suggests, there's a way to win a war that doesn't involve literally killing everyone on the other side. Perhaps, Harf suggests, all non-genocidal conflicts end prior to the killing of everyone on one side or the other. These notions are anathema to the party of Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan, so we apologize for even bringing them up.

So, predictably, the rage-o-sphere screamed "INPEECH" just as loud as they could. But Loesch decided to flex her creative muscles and produce "satire" instead. She tells the first jihadist to apply for a job at Staples because...that...is...the punchline, we guess? Then, the second jihadist steps up, and we're treated to this inspired bit of comedic dialogue:

Jihadist 2: Look, I don't know what kind of goat's milk they're drinking down at the dog-and-pony show that you call the Great Satan...

Loesch: I don't call it the Great Satan.

Jihadist 2: Whatever. The point is, I came here for jobs, not menial labor.

Loesch: I don't understand, I was told that the reason all this is going on is that you guys lacked economic opportunity, and that's why we're in this position.

Jihadist 1 (re-entering): No, the biggest problem that we have is that we have not killed anybody today! Am I right?

AND THAT IS LITERALLY HOW THE VIDEO ENDS.

Loesch's "comedy" gives us hope for post-Colbert satire. Sure, this might not be funny for the reasons Loesch wanted, but who ever said we had to laugh with our comedians?

[YouTube via The Blaze]

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