Dana Perino Writes Gross Love Letter To Secret Boyfriend George W. Bush
Did you know that it is Let's Pretend George W. Bush Was Teh Awesome Week? No? Neither did we, because we did not get that memo, and also, the way we remember it, he sucked harder than an industrial-strength Hoover -- what with how he shredded the Constitution, did war to the wrong goddamn countries, broke the economy, chuckled about all those people who died looking for his pretend WMDs, and was just generally kind of a jerkhole. But according to Very Serious Journamalists like WaPo'sanencephalic Jennifer Rubin (also, doesn't WaPo already have a lot of those folks on the payroll?), and the "bland and slightly repugnant grocery store brand breakfast cereal" that is Ron Fournier, it IS that week just because the ironically named George W. Bush Library and Museum opened in Dallas, so now everyone has to wax amnesic about that.
Including No. 1 fangirl Dana Perino, who is about three dozen different kinds of awful, who has penned a love letter to George Bush -- at Fox, of course -- that is called, no kidding we are not making this shit up, My favorite memories of President George W. Bush. (We eagerly anticipate the inevitable Perino column in September titled What I Did On My Summer Vacation When I Wasn't Jerking Off To My Favorite Memories of President George W. Bush.)
Yes, children, Perino's love letter to Bush is as barftastic as you'd imagine it is, so we will summarize Dana's fondest masturbatory material for you:
Like that time they were on Marine One together and "he insisted on sharing his peanut butter and honey sandwiches with me and the chief-of-staff, Andy Card."
And those times when they were in super boring meetings, and Dick Cheney was falling asleep, and Dubya would "tip me a wink with a little smile." Ew.
And that time Dana's daddy came to the White House and Bush was nice to him and treated him "like the king of England." Aw, what a swell guy!
And how he taught Dana "to try to forgive, when every instinct was to lash back at an opponent" and also how we should "turn the other cheek and focus on the issue, never the personal" -- which is an awful funny lesson coming from the same guy who invaded another country because its leader "is the guy who tried to kill my dad." That sure seemed very personal and not very turn-the-other-cheekish, but maybe Dana misunderstood the lesson?
And also, in conclusion, Dana would just like to thank George W. Bush for being the most bestest and dreamiest president EVAH, who "set a high bar" for being the worst president in history, according to everyone who isn't Dana Perino. But then, history isn't exactly her strong suit, so maybe she can ask her husband to explain it to her.